It's a burden I've carried with me since I was young (and it's probably a burden we all carry around with us, to some degree or another). I remember being as young at six and staring at my thighs. I would try to lift them up so that they wouldn't press against my seat and look fatter.
I'm not fat. I'm not. I've never been fat. I've never been super thin (except in my carrots-and-gum-only phase), but I've never been fat. But I've always felt fat...probably because I've just been focused on "self."
The truth is, I have a lot to be thankful for: my legs not only work, but they are strong. I run. I can run far. It's a skill I've been developing, a skill that I've only recently found and developed, but it's sort of...a wake up call. I am able to run, to exercise, to push myself when I run, to walk fast, to walk up and down stairs, to do everything free of pain. Not everyone has that gift. I should be thankful and just work on being healthy.
But I look in the mirror and I judge myself. My thighs. I don't fit into the skinny jeans that I want to fit into. I don't fit into the style I want to fit into. I can't wear what I want to wear. I feel encumbered by my body, trapped, frumpish, slobbish. I feel ashamed.
Yes, that's it. It's shame.
Shame that I can't push myself to eat less, to exercise more...shame that I was never the skinny girl, and that no matter how little I eat, I will never be that girl...shame that I can't, I just can't... shame...
Shame that I'm not focusing my thoughts where they should be.
Oh, right. Hey, God.
Umm...what are you doing here? Sorry, I didn't think you'd want to enter into this self-destructive ten-year conversation I've been having with myself.
The thing is, I want out. I want out so desperately. Out of this path, this lie, this obsession with self and vanity and non-Godness. I don't want it any more, but where do I turn? I've been praying about it for so long, but the temptation is waiting for me every time I put on my jeans because they aren't the jeans I want to wear. So how do I break free? When will God break me free?
...or is it the discipline I put into it? What should I avoid? My main focus has just been fueling this temple... cutting out the processed, sugary foods and focusing on whole foods and ample exercise and then... live. Just live and breathe and love and care. But the trap is still there, still waiting for me.
I just wish there were more of an outlet for Christian women struggling with this disease, this temptation, this bulging bag of crap and lies. There isn't. I haven't found one, anyways. Where do we go, women? How can we help each other to live practical, meaningful, healthy lives where our main focus is God and how he can use us?
Where do I go?