Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Gripped by my own Weakness

I'm sort of at a weird standstill.

Sometimes, I'm gripped by fear. Then I'm reminded that,
"There's no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18

Sometimes, I think I have to do it on my own. Then, the Lord swiftly reminds me,
"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain...
In vain you rise early and stay up late." Psalm 127

Friends, this support-raising business is ready to weary the heart that has been conditioned by the world. I attempt to cling to the wisdom of Henri Nouwen who urges me to begin my support-raising journey in prayer (from The Spirituality of Fund-Raising).

"Prayer is the radical starting point of fund-raising because in prayer we slowly experience a reorientation of all our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and others."
yes.
"People have such a need for friendship and for community that fund-raising had to be community-building."
amen! yes!
"Community...grows from the spiritual knowledge that we are alive not for ourselves but for one another."
i am completely on board.

...so why do I feel like falling to pieces?

  • I have to compile a list of 150 names and addresses to send out an initial letter. I spent the entire day yesterday and the better part of this morning coming up with 50.
  • Those letters must be followed up with phone calls.
  • We are also attempting to meet with people from May 17-May 29, and so those e-mails/phone calls/appointments must be made.
  • In the meantime, there is the impending reality that by May 16, my time at Starbucks will be over, which means no more income will be generated from me until July 1st, if God grants us any supporters. Plus, half of Elliott's current paycheck will go towards our new health coverage.
I am weak. I am very weak, and I am scared. I need the Lord to sustain me, to sustain us, to show us his power, especially in our weakness. I feel like I'm about to break.

"He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9

Thank goodness for that promise,
because I'm certainly giving him a lot of room for perfection-making.


5 comments:

  1. that really is a lot of work. Through christ you will be able to do it! I know you will. May the Lord bless you in abundance through it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. <3

    you are in a messy, good place
    xoxo

    may weakness continue to be a meeting place with Jesus. may you keep refusing to buck against the weakness, so as to meet Him there!

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's amazing what support-raising makes me confront. The reality is that I can do nothing of my own efforts- it has to start completely with God. I think it's totally bringing up all my preconceptions and assumptions and forcing me to come to terms with what is false, and also what is true. Ultimately, it's a good thing. Sometimes change is slightly painful, but if it draws me closer to Him, then I'm for it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. <3

    you are in a messy, good place
    xoxo

    may weakness continue to be a meeting place with Jesus. may you keep refusing to buck against the weakness, so as to meet Him there!

    ReplyDelete
  5. that really is a lot of work. Through christ you will be able to do it! I know you will. May the Lord bless you in abundance through it.

    ReplyDelete

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