I didn't make this blog a priority, as other priorities (school, work, church, etc.) seeped its way in to the immediate-sphere. However, I just returned from a Spirit-filled artist retreat, and inspiration led me here. I found myself amongst a group of Christian writers, and I was explaining to them about lack of inspiration to write, but they reminded me that it's not the point. You just write. Every day. You just do it. Some days, it will be absolutely inane and awful, but you get something down.
So I'll try. I might not post every thought here, but I will attempt to be a more disciplined writer, in hopes that my discipline will merge into spiritual discipline as well.
Alright, so the above was my disclaimer/explanation. Now onto something substantial.
A lot happened this weekend. God met us on that retreat--every one of us. Each person left the retreat irrevocably changed. I want to share one small moment of transformation.
The music group led us through a time of Self Talk Vs. God Talk. They asked us to write down at least five things we say to ourselves on a daily basis. I wrote mine down without blinking an eye. I knew the constant self-bashing that goes on in my head day-to-day, and so I quickly spewed them out. I had no intention of sharing them out loud, but then when the leader asked people to share, suddenly I heard my own voice piercing through the dense silence.
As I read each ugly sentence out one-by-one, my voice started to crack. I was startled. Tears started flowing. I hadn't expected to cry. I was ashamed by this unexpected vulnerability. These people around me knew the darkest things I say to myself. The lies I used to speak in darkness were now spoken into light. Matthew 10:26, "There is nothing [...] hidden that will not be made known."
Afterwards, we were to write five things we knew God was trying to say to us. I wrote them down--truths from the Father--and they posted them up around a mirror. I had to look at myself in the mirror as they read the truths out loud. Matthew 10:27, "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs."
You are loved. Fully.
You are my daughter.
You are fully beautiful the way I made you.
I created you specifically.
I adore who I made you to be.
You are no longer broken.
I have to admit--I have never had so much trouble facing myself in a mirror. How ready I am to believe the lies I speak to myself daily; how difficult it is for me to accept the truth that God has offered to me since before I was born. It shook me.
Then, my dear, dear sister-in-law came up to me while I was bent over in sobs. In response to all of my self-talks, she posted five truths she wanted me to hear:
You are precious and beloved. Unique.
You are gorgeous.
You are precious and amounting to a great deal.
You are a blessing to all who meet you.
I won't name the things I say to myself. They are vulnerable, ugly, and have been sacrificed onto the Lord. Literally. We took them out and burned them in a fire.