Monday, April 12, 2010

Self-Talk Vs. God-Talk

Pardon the hiatus.

I didn't make this blog a priority, as other priorities (school, work, church, etc.) seeped its way in to the immediate-sphere. However, I just returned from a Spirit-filled artist retreat, and inspiration led me here. I found myself amongst a group of Christian writers, and I was explaining to them about lack of inspiration to write, but they reminded me that it's not the point. You just write. Every day. You just do it. Some days, it will be absolutely inane and awful, but you get something down.

So I'll try. I might not post every thought here, but I will attempt to be a more disciplined writer, in hopes that my discipline will merge into spiritual discipline as well.

Alright, so the above was my disclaimer/explanation. Now onto something substantial.

A lot happened this weekend. God met us on that retreat--every one of us. Each person left the retreat irrevocably changed. I want to share one small moment of transformation.

The music group led us through a time of Self Talk Vs. God Talk. They asked us to write down at least five things we say to ourselves on a daily basis. I wrote mine down without blinking an eye. I knew the constant self-bashing that goes on in my head day-to-day, and so I quickly spewed them out. I had no intention of sharing them out loud, but then when the leader asked people to share, suddenly I heard my own voice piercing through the dense silence.

As I read each ugly sentence out one-by-one, my voice started to crack. I was startled. Tears started flowing. I hadn't expected to cry. I was ashamed by this unexpected vulnerability. These people around me knew the darkest things I say to myself. The lies I used to speak in darkness were now spoken into light. Matthew 10:26, "There is nothing [...] hidden that will not be made known."

Afterwards, we were to write five things we knew God was trying to say to us. I wrote them down--truths from the Father--and they posted them up around a mirror. I had to look at myself in the mirror as they read the truths out loud. Matthew 10:27, "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs."

You are loved. Fully.
You are my daughter.
You are fully beautiful the way I made you.
I created you specifically.
I adore who I made you to be.
You are no longer broken.

I have to admit--I have never had so much trouble facing myself in a mirror. How ready I am to believe the lies I speak to myself daily; how difficult it is for me to accept the truth that God has offered to me since before I was born. It shook me.

Then, my dear, dear sister-in-law came up to me while I was bent over in sobs. In response to all of my self-talks, she posted five truths she wanted me to hear:

You are precious and beloved. Unique.
You are gorgeous.
You are precious and amounting to a great deal.
You are a blessing to all who meet you.

I won't name the things I say to myself. They are vulnerable, ugly, and have been sacrificed onto the Lord. Literally. We took them out and burned them in a fire.

Amen.

7 comments:

  1. <3
    [simply (for now)]

    also: today's (monday's) post on aholyexperience.com made me think of your thought-thread, if you feel like reading.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Rachel you are so wonderful and I am so sad to see how you seem to put yourself down all the time. You have always been an inspiration to me and I actually recently used you as an example for my youth group. I'll tell you about it, because you may not realize it, since it was from long ago and I don't believe I ever told you.

    It had to deal with worship. A lot of kids at youth group were saying how they are afraid to lift their hands or dance or get into worship. I told them that when I was a freshman in high school, we went on a class retreat (Harvey Cedars). I stated how it seemed like no one wanted to really get into God. I really felt the Holy Spirit upon me and there was a call for people to come forward. The first person who did was YOU Rachel. I stated how my darling friend bowed down at the throne while she prayed and worshiped the Lord. It really was something where I didn't think I could do that. In watching you, I realized, "I don't care if people will look at me oddly. There is Rachel so in love with following the Holy Spirit, and doing what God wants her to do, not what others expect her to do." So I joined you, and listened to what the Holy Spirit was guiding me to do. After a while others joined in as well. THe Holy Spirit was flowing.

    I wanted my youth to realize that if they are able to take that type of stance of being alone in following Christ in public, others will be inspired through them and will see Jesus in them so much so that they will follow through in obedience to God's calling on them.

    I thought I'd let you know that you continue to lead me to following God, as well as Elliott, especially when it sometimes is a fight for me to want to follow Him, becuase I know, There is nothing of greater importance to obey Jesus.

    I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you so much for that memory. I don't remember it, or I wouldn't have remembered it on my own. The retreat this weekend was at Harvey Cedars. Isn't that interesting?

    I don't try to put myself down every day...those are just the thoughts, the lies, that circulate in my brain each day. It's a really good thing that I was called to name them and renounce them.

    ReplyDelete
  4. (Very cool to read your two posts.)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Rachel you are so wonderful and I am so sad to see how you seem to put yourself down all the time. You have always been an inspiration to me and I actually recently used you as an example for my youth group. I'll tell you about it, because you may not realize it, since it was from long ago and I don't believe I ever told you.

    It had to deal with worship. A lot of kids at youth group were saying how they are afraid to lift their hands or dance or get into worship. I told them that when I was a freshman in high school, we went on a class retreat (Harvey Cedars). I stated how it seemed like no one wanted to really get into God. I really felt the Holy Spirit upon me and there was a call for people to come forward. The first person who did was YOU Rachel. I stated how my darling friend bowed down at the throne while she prayed and worshiped the Lord. It really was something where I didn't think I could do that. In watching you, I realized, "I don't care if people will look at me oddly. There is Rachel so in love with following the Holy Spirit, and doing what God wants her to do, not what others expect her to do." So I joined you, and listened to what the Holy Spirit was guiding me to do. After a while others joined in as well. THe Holy Spirit was flowing.

    I wanted my youth to realize that if they are able to take that type of stance of being alone in following Christ in public, others will be inspired through them and will see Jesus in them so much so that they will follow through in obedience to God's calling on them.

    I thought I'd let you know that you continue to lead me to following God, as well as Elliott, especially when it sometimes is a fight for me to want to follow Him, becuase I know, There is nothing of greater importance to obey Jesus.

    I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you so much for that memory. I don't remember it, or I wouldn't have remembered it on my own. The retreat this weekend was at Harvey Cedars. Isn't that interesting?

    I don't try to put myself down every day...those are just the thoughts, the lies, that circulate in my brain each day. It's a really good thing that I was called to name them and renounce them.

    ReplyDelete
  7. <3
    [simply (for now)]

    also: today's (monday's) post on aholyexperience.com made me think of your thought-thread, if you feel like reading.

    ReplyDelete

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