Thursday, April 15, 2010

When God's answers aren't our answers.

A sprained ankle doesn't fit into my plans.
It just doesn't.
I'm training for a 10-mile run. I have a presentation today in class. My job requires me to be on my feet.
So what's this sprained ankle all about, God?

I have to name a suspicion that's been on my heart since August: God has been using physical things to slow me down. I can't shake it. Every month, it's something else. Generally, I've been getting sick. What you probably don't know is that I used to never get sick. I could be surrounded by sick people, and I wouldn't get sick.

And I know what's going on in my heart when I get sick. As soon as I start to think about the dreaded "thin myth" I've bought into-- as soon as I tell myself I'll just exercise more, eat less, and compare myself to every skinny girl around me-- that's when - BOOM - God tells me to sit down and be still. Just like that.

To be honest, it's really annoying. It's not what I want. It's not the answer I want to the prayer to be closer to God. I want to always be moving, to always be independent, to always be supergirl.

God says, "Let go. Let me be in control, and draw you close to my heart."

I think these physical standstill moments go beyond just being still in the Lord; I think God is teaching me something about the lies I focus on. He's literally making it impossible for me to lose weight the way I used to. Hm. Probably not a coincidence.

Apparently, my desire to be more attune with God-- my prayer to be close to him-- is a more painful process than I thought. Emotionally and physically.

"Turn my heart towards your statutes, and not towards selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word."
Ps. 119:36-37

When we pray, God answers... especially when we pray to follow him.
When he answers, we should listen. Even when (or especially when) it's not the answer we want.
Ok, God.
Here I am.

1 comment:

  1. I always tell people who tell me, "I've been praying for so long, God doesn't answer me." that sometimes God says "NO" because he knows the bigger picture than we can even fathom.

    How did you sprain your ankle!?? That's really sad! I hope it doesn't hurt too much. Is it swollen a lot?


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