It’s in the inching forward of time—the constant checking, the imminent gauging, the impending lump growing larger in your stomach. You think in terms of “how-much-longer-do-I-have-until-“ and nothing else. The world becomes hot and burns you. Your body rebels against you. You feel sick but unable to become sick. Becoming “actual” sick would make the excuses easier.
It’s a waging war between self and mind and body and crazy. You think about harming yourself, and you don’t know why. You curl up as tight as possible to escape the bigness and smallness of the room. If you close in far enough, maybe time and space will evaporate and you will just be surrounded by peace.
When you open your eyes, you realize things are still closing in. Everything in the room seems out of order and disgusting. Immediately, you know you have to clean everything. And so you start, frantically cleaning and clearing away and de-cluttering. But you don’t finish – no, you never finish – because the task is still just too big for you. It’s too overwhelming. So you’ll stop midway, making room for inadequacy to re-settle.
And then you see your husband, and you feel shame. Shame because you can’t be everything you want to be for him. Shame because the harsh reality is that you let him down again. You made him angry; you deserted him. Shame cloaks you and you try to make it up for him, feeling like a fool because you know you just can’t. And so you clean, and you cook, and you dote, hoping that maybe he will see all that you are doing and maybe think you’re somewhat of an okay-wife.
Irrational fears haunt you—trying to convince you that you’ll never really be a full woman. Maybe your house won’t ever be perfect. Maybe you won’t ever have the energy to care for everyone and everything. Maybe you won’t ever be perfect.
And that’s the point.
But you know what? HE won’t either.
No one will.
And you were made for wholeness, but sin has fragmented that wholeness, and that’s why you accepted Christ.
Because you can’t. And it’s not up to you to do.
And so you thankfully give in to this reality – this truth – and let go of the lies,
and praise God for the freedom
to walk and live and breathe in Truth.