Sunday, August 1, 2010

Finding Redemption in the Midst of a Panic Attack

It’s in the inching forward of time—the constant checking, the imminent gauging, the impending lump growing larger in your stomach. You think in terms of “how-much-longer-do-I-have-until-“ and nothing else. The world becomes hot and burns you. Your body rebels against you. You feel sick but unable to become sick. Becoming “actual” sick would make the excuses easier.

It’s a waging war between self and mind and body and crazy. You think about harming yourself, and you don’t know why. You curl up as tight as possible to escape the bigness and smallness of the room. If you close in far enough, maybe time and space will evaporate and you will just be surrounded by peace.

When you open your eyes, you realize things are still closing in. Everything in the room seems out of order and disgusting. Immediately, you know you have to clean everything. And so you start, frantically cleaning and clearing away and de-cluttering. But you don’t finish – no, you never finish – because the task is still just too big for you. It’s too overwhelming. So you’ll stop midway, making room for inadequacy to re-settle.

And then you see your husband, and you feel shame. Shame because you can’t be everything you want to be for him. Shame because the harsh reality is that you let him down again. You made him angry; you deserted him. Shame cloaks you and you try to make it up for him, feeling like a fool because you know you just can’t. And so you clean, and you cook, and you dote, hoping that maybe he will see all that you are doing and maybe think you’re somewhat of an okay-wife.

Irrational fears haunt you—trying to convince you that you’ll never really be a full woman. Maybe your house won’t ever be perfect. Maybe you won’t ever have the energy to care for everyone and everything. Maybe you won’t ever be perfect.

And that’s the point.

You won’t.

But you know what? HE won’t either.

No one will.

And you were made for wholeness, but sin has fragmented that wholeness, and that’s why you accepted Christ.

Because you can’t. And it’s not up to you to do.

And so you thankfully give in to this reality – this truth – and let go of the lies,

and praise God for the freedom

to walk and live and breathe in Truth.

3 comments:

  1. This is so beautiful, Rachel. I am so with you in this place, and so glad you are able to rest in God's truth.

    Lord Jesus, thank you for Rachel and her willingness to be vulnerable. Thank you for your sacrifice, so that she doesn't have to do anything. Thank you for your Word that tells us in your eyes, we are already made perfect, seated with you and in you. Bless Rachel with your peace as she learns to rest in You more and more each day. Amen.

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  2. wow. it seems like you really really have a hard time with living up to self worth. I think your husband loves you and takes you with all the faults you have and I am sure he is an encourager who helps you. What is amazing that Christ accepts us with all our faults too but encourages us to continue on because He sees how amazing we each are. You are incredible. You are also so open which is really cool. I love your open honesty.

    ReplyDelete
  3. wow. it seems like you really really have a hard time with living up to self worth. I think your husband loves you and takes you with all the faults you have and I am sure he is an encourager who helps you. What is amazing that Christ accepts us with all our faults too but encourages us to continue on because He sees how amazing we each are. You are incredible. You are also so open which is really cool. I love your open honesty.

    ReplyDelete

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