I'm just going to come out here and say it.
And I'm going to say it so that God has the glory.
For the last five or six or seven or so years, I have been suffering from what is known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
I had no idea It had a name. I just knew It ruled my every waking thought. I just knew It must have something to do with my compulsive exercise and obsessive nature about every imperfection of my body. But until my therapist named It last week, I never knew It was an actual thing. I also never knew that not everyone had It. When I started reading more about BDD, suddenly things started clicking. Simultaneously, thoughts of, "That's me!! That's what I do!!" and, "You mean not EVERYONE thinks this way??" flooded into my brain.
And last week was the first week since 2003 that I felt a sudden, complete release.
Am I healed? I honestly don't know. But I do know that I have been praying for God to help me let my self-image go-- that He would help me see clearly and not skewed-- that I would be healed-- since last winter. And all I know is that for the last week, I haven't been obsessing over the size of my thighs or the loss of muscle tone in my arms or the amount of carbs I've been eating or how little aerobic exercise I've been doing. I've just been... being. Existing. Being still before God. Staying healthy and walking and eating right, but not worrying about getting my 5-6 days of intense cardio in.
It's been pretty nice. :)
So what's made the difference? Why this time? Why not last winter? Why not ever before?
Truly, I think it is this little baby growing inside me. God has used this pregnancy to teach me a lot about trusting in Him -- about letting my anxieties go because I literally cannot control my life just as I cannot control how this little baby forms and grows inside of me. Everything-- everything-- is in His hands.
And now I'm at a point in the pregnancy where I literally cannot hide behind my old ways. I can't run any more. I can barely walk fast without my squished lungs causing windedness. I can't worry about eating carbs because if I don't get the grains, I'll be super hungry in two hours anyways. At this point in the pregnancy, there is nothing I can do but let go and allow myself to accept Grace.
So for the last week, I've practiced this Acceptance. When I have a free moment, instead of distracting myself on the iPod or with homework or whatever else, I just sit and accept the Presence of God.
And sometimes I feel the little one wiggling around inside. I touch my stomach or watch her make funny forms through my clothing, and I pray and praise the Lord and live within the gratitude.
Thank You, thank You, thank You.
This is me at 20 weeks. I'm now at 27 (yay!) and a lot, lot bigger (and so is baby!).