I mean, I get annoyed if I see someone. Or hear them breathing. Ok, that's extreme, but I'm really on edge these days. It's almost as if my current attitude is: "The only people that should exist in the world are me, Gwendolyn, and sometimes Elliott."
And I'm not really sure what's going on. Is it my introversion? My sleepiness? Or am I just being self-indulgent and snobbish? Whatever it is, there is an ickiness inside my soul that I can't seem to shake. And the feeling is (unfortunately) familiar.
It comes in different forms, but it always finds a way to lodge itself into my core. I'm reminded of the passage in James that describes these small "ickinesses" as leading to conception and giving birth to sin. When the sin grows up, it becomes death (James 1:15).
Guys, I don't want death.
But I feel it festering inside me.
If I were a hermit, or even living day-to-day in my own secluded apartment, I might be able to ignore the icky. If it were up to me, that's probably what I'd do. Ignoring it is easier than acknowledging it and having to deal with it.
But, as we all know, I live in community. And what festers inside and me affects those around me. My attitude is something my housemates have to deal with on a daily basis. I'm not an island. And so I have to fight it.
In order to do battle and rid myself of a destructive attitude, I turn to the Bible.
In it, I read the reminders...
"There is no one who does good, not even one."
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
The thing is that I honestly can't do good on my own. I can't just decide, "I'm going to have a better attitude," and click the switch. It doesn't happen that way. I can't do good apart from Christ, but I can do all things through Him. I can ask the Lord for an attitude change -- for the good that only comes from Him -- and watch Him change me. After all, He promises...
"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you."
So, God, this is what I'm asking: that you change my attitude -- that you root out the ickiness, and fill me with love and grace and peace -- that you would allow me to bless those around me, and especially those closest to me -- that you would give me wisdom in knowing how to take care of myself so as to care for others -- and that all the glory will go to you, Father. I can do nothing good except through you.