Friday, September 16, 2011

the nightly hauntings of my old self

When I close my eyes at night.  That's when it happens.

The hauntings.

The constant flood of memories and emotions -- of days beautiful and painful and somewhere in between -- all at once.
And the only way to control them -- to get some sleep, some rest -- is to block them out.  But I can't.  They keep coming back.

What do I do with these hauntings?

I ask God in the dark stillness of the night -- Why?  And, What?  What is the purpose, Lord?  Is there something hidden in the memories -- some secret code I am meant to uncover so that I can finally be released from them?  Or must I relive them over and over and over again?

What am I supposed to do?

It's confusing.  I don't get it.
I don't get how I've been made a new creation and yet I am still trapped, living the old-creation-me again and again and again, like one of those irritating pop songs that refuses to leave the echoing corridors of my brain.

Most of the time, I just try not to "go there" in my memory bank.  I take out my iPod, my headphones, and I drown out the haunting with music and podcasts.  But it doesn't work.  Not really.  Because the memories are always there again the next night -- ready to greet me -- forcing me to relive them.
And I do relive them, because I am an actress at my core and it is impossible for me not to feel exactly the way I felt when I lived them the first time. 

I get it.  I remember.  There were a lot of mistakes.  And good times.  
But also mistakes.
I get it, okay?  Okay, it was me.  I remember.  You won't let me forget.
But what do You want me to do with it?

Quite honestly, it's confusing, and I wonder: God, what do I do with these parts of my past - that are simultaneously shameful and beautiful?  How do I completely put off the old self and put on the new self while having memories flood back of an old self that still experiences (some semblance of) joy amidst the sin?


Do you know, dear reader?

1 comment:

  1. I don't know what you do with it, but I definitely know what it's like. And I know that stuffing the memories back down pretty much ensures that you'll continue to experience them. At least, that's what my therapist says, and what my experience has been. For me, it has a lot to do with learning not to fear the memories, and then forgiving myself for whatever it is... the abuse, the subsequent feelings, my poor choices with Chris, guilt (always the guilt), weakness, whatever. I have no idea how to do it, but I know it's what I need to do. That's probably not very helpful. Sorry.

    Love you. You're not alone.


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