Monday, October 17, 2011

what I know

This is what I know.

That there are days that are harder than others.
That there are times when the flashbacks come like torrential raindrops.
That there are memories flooding into my brain.
That sometimes I can't see straight.

There are times my brain feels fuzzy.
And times I can't relocate the peace I once had.
Times when sitting still is torture, and doing anything active takes more will than I have been given.

There are times when nothing I do seems to make sense.
And days when all I want to do is cry, but don't dare.
Weeks when I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat because I really am that exhausted.  All the time.

There are days, friends.

This is what I know.

I forget things.
I flub up.
I can't keep up.
I don't stay in contact with friends.
I fail.  Consistently.
I get scared.
I allow myself to stress about tomorrow.
I am selfish.
I want to forget but don't.  And sometimes won't.  Because I don't want to.
I wonder, "What if?" a lot.
I say the wrong things.
I neglect to say the right ones.
I put tasks ahead of... a lot of things.  And people.  And God.
I have skewed priorities.
Did I mention I fail?
I don't get it sometimes.
And sometimes I doubt.

And I'm sure you're wondering, "So where is the silver lining?  Where's the tagline that pulls it all together?"

Maybe this time I don't have one.
Because I don't have all the answers.
And I'm not as profound as I like to think I am.

But this is also what I know.

Life isn't about me.
I fail.  And that's the point.
I flub up.  And that's the point too.
I will consistently let people down, and they will let me down too.
I learn.
I grow.  And grow up.
I am forgiven.
I am redeemed.
I am allowed to tell God how I feel.  Even when it isn't the "right" thing to say to Him.
I am over-emotional, perhaps.  But that's not a bad thing.
I can empathize.
I can care for others.
I can be honest.

And I still don't have all the answers.
And I still doubt what I'm doing.
I still fail.

This is what I know.

I still need a Savior.
And a little grace.
From everyone, including myself.

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