Monday, November 14, 2011

an ember that won't go out

I sit still and I pray.
I pray for those whom I do not yet know --
my family all across the world who suffer for the sake of the Gospel.

Usually, that's it.  I pray.  I get up.  I leave.  I go on with my day.

This morning, it's different.
The prayer is closer -- is deeper --
and somewhere deep within my soul, I feel a restless flame burning --
a familiar flicker from long ago --
an effervescent, evading ember.

This is a restlessness which tells me to
get up
and go -
to get out
and do.

This is a restlessness which makes me uncomfortable
because I know exactly what it means.



Deep inside me, I feel my core mourning.  It calls out.
It says, "This is not enough, Rachel."

And I am reminded of the times before I have heard my core calling out in this way,
and I think again that maybe I am not meant to stay here.
There is still an impetus to go.

When I pray for that family -- the family yet unknown by me but thoroughly known by God -- my heart aches.  I visualize my own small family with them -- being there in a very real way.

God, what does this stirring mean?  Each time it happens, I tuck it away --
mainly because you have asked us to stay.  But it comes back again and again.

The stirring won't still itself.
The ember won't fade.
Something remains lit.
And I wonder if maybe something else is on the way --
that someday, You will ask us to go.

When, Lord?
And where?

And please - please make our hearts ready.

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