Friday, January 27, 2012

crying-it-out confessions, part two

She's crying.  And it breaks my heart.
The door that separates us seems like paper.  I want to rip it to shreds -- to break into the room, scoop her up, and glue back all the pieces of our shattered hearts.

"This can't be right," I think.  "How can I do this to her?"

I feel my resolve breaking.  Despite careful research, I convince myself that I'm exercising cruelty on my baby.  I decide I must be the most terrible mother in the world to let her cry for... well, it must be an hour, right?  I look at the clock.

It's been ten minutes.

I pace back and forth, back and forth, before finally welling up with tears myself and collapsing onto my bed.

"God!"  I internally cry out.  "Is this right?  Is this the right thing to do?  Please give me wisdom!"

It's funny how when I never really expect Him to answer, He does.  Loud and clear.

Sometimes I, too, have to let My children cry.

The response stops my tears immediately.  I feel utter clarity enter into my soul and brain.  It's so true, isn't it?  I think about the many times I have felt absolutely broken and left alone -- the times I have cried out to the Lord to save me -- only to be met with silence.  I think about the suffering that I have had to go through, but the blessings that those times have given.  I think about many other people who have had to endure pain for some time, only to learn great things about the Lord.

And that's when I realize that in this case, I see more than Gwen sees.  I have a fuller picture.  And even though she may cry now, she won't cry forever.  Eventually (and usually, after 10 or 15 minutes), she will be able to sleep again -- to sleep a deeper and better sleep than she has in the last month.

Making this decision has been ... powerful.  I have felt in control of the situation; I have felt freed.  And in the process, I have felt as though I am sort of growing up as a parent.  This small little hardship and decision has helped me feel more equipped to make more decisions when-the-time-comes.  And I know I am doing a good thing.

I am being the parent.

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