"I do not spend enough of my time in worship and thanksgiving --
in being content in the circumstances."
I jotted down the above sentence during devotions this morning, in the quiet of a day yet to dawn -- while my daughter slept peacefully, and while my tea warmed my body. It was calm. The dewy morning greeted me outside, and I thought, "Yeah, my life needs to be more about worshipping God."
Such a calm, wonderful thought, don't you think? In those moments -- the moments of quiet and deliberate devotion -- it is so easy to think of the things we are going to do.
Let's skip ahead a few hours to 11 am. I have spent the last hour trying to appease my crying child. At first, I chalk up her screaming temper to being willful and spoiled, considering she only stops crying when I pick her up. Not one to let a child scream unconsolably, I continue to pick her up when she whimpers, and she allows for brief pauses of calm when eating or lying next to me in bed.
By 11:45 am, it seems we are both at our whit's end. I am rocking her in the nursery, and she is screaming her lungs out. "Surely, something must be wrong with her," I think and worry as I feel my eyes fill with tears of desperation. "I just wish she could talk to me."
I somehow calm her for 15 minutes with a small turtle toy and a game of open/close the window shade. Finally, I decide there's no way I can physically/mentally/emotionally make it to her 1 pm nap time, and I decide to feed her and put her to sleep early.
I breathe, even though I feel I might collapse.
My blogging-friend Tim (Hi, Tim!) says that this might make a good story in hindsight. Maybe. Maybe it will be funny somehow, and witty. I don't really know how that future story of this present day is going to go, but I do know this: That I must worship God. That it is during the weary days -- the days when I just want to throw up my hands and complain and wallow in self-pity -- that I must worship God the most.
So I thank the Lord for this day -- for being very aware of my humanity and brokenness and inability to do anything without the strength of the Lord.
I praise the Father that He is in control, and that He has given us this precious time to make known His name in all the earth.
God, I want everyone to know that You are good --
that You comfort --
that You are beside us --
that You have made Yourself known to us,
and this in itself is a gift.
I want never to forget what You have done for me,
I want never to cease being thankful.
And so I thank You --
in the easy, dewy early mornings
and it in the weary, tear-filled late mornings.
I thank You for all You have given.