Monday, January 23, 2012

I choose worship over wallowing

"I do not spend enough of my time in worship and thanksgiving -- 
in being content in the circumstances."

I jotted down the above sentence during devotions this morning, in the quiet of a day yet to dawn -- while my daughter slept peacefully, and while my tea warmed my body.  It was calm.  The dewy morning greeted me outside, and I thought, "Yeah, my life needs to be more about worshipping God."

Such a calm, wonderful thought, don't you think?  In those moments -- the moments of quiet and deliberate devotion -- it is so easy to think of the things we are going to do.

Let's skip ahead a few hours to 11 am.  I have spent the last hour trying to appease my crying child.  At first, I chalk up her screaming temper to being willful and spoiled, considering she only stops crying when I pick her up.  Not one to let a child scream unconsolably, I continue to pick her up when she whimpers, and she allows for brief pauses of calm when eating or lying next to me in bed.

By 11:45 am, it seems we are both at our whit's end.  I am rocking her in the nursery, and she is screaming her lungs out.  "Surely, something must be wrong with her," I think and worry as I feel my eyes fill with tears of desperation.  "I just wish she could talk to me."

I somehow calm her for 15 minutes with a small turtle toy and a game of open/close the window shade.  Finally, I decide there's no way I can physically/mentally/emotionally make it to her 1 pm nap time, and I decide to feed her and put her to sleep early.

I breathe, even though I feel I might collapse.

My blogging-friend Tim (Hi, Tim!) says that this might make a good story in hindsight.  Maybe.  Maybe it will be funny somehow, and witty.  I don't really know how that future story of this present day is going to go, but I do know this:  That I must worship God.  That it is during the weary days -- the days when I just want to throw up my hands and complain and wallow in self-pity -- that I must worship God the most.

So I thank the Lord for this day -- for being very aware of my humanity and brokenness and inability to do anything without the strength of the Lord.

I praise the Father that He is in control, and that He has given us this precious time to make known His name in all the earth.

God, I want everyone to know that You are good -- 
that You comfort -- 
that You are beside us --
that You have made Yourself known to us, 
and this in itself is a gift.
I want never to forget what You have done for me,
I want never to cease being thankful.
And so I thank You --
in the easy, dewy early mornings
and it in the weary, tear-filled late mornings.
I thank You for all You have given.

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