Click. Click. Click.
The post has been written, and it's time to put it up.
I hit the Twitter button, and add a hashtag.
Then I move to the Facebook button, and...
But instead of a routine post-up, I receive an unfriendly message about spam and being flagged. It appears that someone has flagged my posts -- someone in my friends list is annoyed by my blog posts.
This is when the wind lets out of my sails -- when the balloon pops --
This is when the vulnerability sinks in.
The truth is that I've always been an open person, almost to a fault. It has gotten me hurt, and sometimes the wounds have been deep, but I can't seem to live life any other way. I don't know how to change it. I am a trusting, open, vulnerable person. So when I write, I let my vulnerability peek through -- because, well, I don't know how to write otherwise. And I think there are enough people out there writing about Christianity from a non-vulnerable-point-of-view, and I don't want to be one of them.
But when someone rejects me, it hurts...
even if I'm not exactly sure who it is.
When I realize that people are reading my posts and don't like what I have to say,
it brings me down.
When I remember that there are people I know in real life reading my blog that don't like me, it feels like a punch to the heart.
When I recognize that -- yes, in fact, this is the internet which means anyone anywhere can ready anything at any time --
I wonder what-the-heck I think I'm doing here in the first place.
I think that, perhaps, I am just one of the many in my generation that thinks -- well --
that I can do anything.
But I can't.
And who am I, Lord? Who am I to think I should be letting myself out here like this -- exposing vulnerable parts of my heart and my walk with you?
Who am I?
And then, I want to run.
I want to delete everything.
I want to crawl under a rock and hide away until my words are forgotten.
But God has asked me to stay.
And He reminds me that as a Christian, adversity is part of the plan.
It's to be expected, and persevered through.
And I am to fear God, and not man.
I can't be a chapter-one-Jonah.
I can't run.
And so I write,
vulnerability and all.