Thursday, January 19, 2012

on being (internet) vulnerable

Click.  Click.  Click.

The post has been written, and it's time to put it up.  

Click.

I hit the Twitter button, and add a hashtag.

Click.

Success!

Then I move to the Facebook button, and...

Click.

But instead of a routine post-up, I receive an unfriendly message about spam and being flagged.  It appears that someone has flagged my posts -- someone in my friends list is annoyed by my blog posts.

This is when the wind lets out of my sails -- when the balloon pops --

This is when the vulnerability sinks in.

The truth is that I've always been an open person, almost to a fault.  It has gotten me hurt, and sometimes the wounds have been deep, but I can't seem to live life any other way.  I don't know how to change it.  I am a trusting, open, vulnerable person.  So when I write, I let my vulnerability peek through -- because, well, I don't know how to write otherwise.  And I think there are enough people out there writing about Christianity from a non-vulnerable-point-of-view, and I don't want to be one of them.

But when someone rejects me, it hurts...
even if I'm not exactly sure who it is.

When I realize that people are reading my posts and don't like what I have to say, 
it brings me down.
When I remember that there are people I know in real life reading my blog that don't like me, it feels like a punch to the heart.

When I recognize that -- yes, in fact, this is the internet which means anyone anywhere can ready anything at any time -- 
I feel... 

Sheepish.
  
Foolish.  

I wonder what-the-heck I think I'm doing here in the first place.
  
I think that, perhaps, I am just one of the many in my generation that thinks -- well -- 
that I can do anything.




But I can't.

And who am I, Lord?  Who am I to think I should be letting myself out here like this -- exposing vulnerable parts of my heart and my walk with you?  
Who am I?

And then, I want to run.

I want to delete everything.

I want to crawl under a rock and hide away until my words are forgotten.


But God has asked me to stay.

And He reminds me that as a Christian, adversity is part of the plan.  
It's to be expected, and persevered through.

And I am to fear God, and not man.

I can't be a chapter-one-Jonah.  
I can't run.

And so I write,
vulnerability and all.

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