I am an emotional mess.
My body can no longer handle simple chores like mopping/sweeping (ouch!).
Sleeping at night is elusive (hello crazy-wacky dreams!).
I am gripped by a terrible fear about having this baby ("Oh no God - I can't, I just can't have this baby!")
And I'm an emotional mess -- did I mention that?
So I'm doing what everyone in my life always tells me to do.
I'm going easy on myself.
I'm taking a break. At least, as much as I am able to do.
Look! I didn't even get up to take this picture. Yay!
Also - you'll notice the bright colors, I hope. All my winter maternity clothes are super muted so I'm trying to counteract my moodiness by wearing bright colors, which means pairing my summer maternity clothes with non-maternity sweaters.
The dishes will be in the sink until I have energy to do them.
The floors will be dirty until someone wants to come over and help (because seriously - I just can't do it any more).
The laundry will remain in piles until Elliott and I can fold it together while watching a show.
And as for me? I'm spending every moment possible:
- Writing (this includes commenting on blogs!)
- Reading (I am re-reading Les Mis for the third time! - Haven't read it since HS.)
- Watching TV shows and movies (now accepting suggestions for good movies on Netflix!)
- Napping (when Gwendolyn lets me!)
And here's the bottom line: I just have to. There's no other reasonable choice right now. Yesterday, as Gwen woke up from a nap too early, we cried together. And I mean - I hyperventilated-cried-sobbed-was-a-complete-mess for a long while. That's just not good -- for me, for Gwen, or for Elliott.
So I'm taking care of me this month in order to take care of everyone else.
And if you're a friend in real-time-life, please know:
- I am having a hard time holding conversations -- like, it takes me a lot of effort. So if I shirk away from seeing you or talking to you, it's not you -- it's me.
- Hanging out in general will take so much emotional and physical energy, and I'm not sure how I will be up for it.
- If you want to spend quality time with me, maybe just hold out until well after the baby is born and I'm back to a stable place.
- You are always welcome to come over and watch Gwen or clean something, as long as you know I will mostly likely be in my bed watching that TV show you recommended.
- Have you ever had to enact a "Take Care of Myself" month or day? What did that mean?
- How have others helped you take care of yourself?
- Do you struggle with being "hard" on yourself, like me? How do you combat that tendency?