Monday, February 4, 2013

the last month of pregnancy aka "take care of myself" month

Alright, friends.  Here's the real deal.

I am an emotional mess.
My body can no longer handle simple chores like mopping/sweeping (ouch!).
Sleeping at night is elusive (hello crazy-wacky dreams!).
I am gripped by a terrible fear about having this baby ("Oh no God - I can't, I just can't have this baby!")

And I'm an emotional mess -- did I mention that?

So I'm doing what everyone in my life always tells me to do.
I'm going easy on myself.
I'm taking a break.  At least, as much as I am able to do.
Look!  I didn't even get up to take this picture.  Yay!
Also - you'll notice the bright colors, I hope.  All my winter maternity clothes are super muted so I'm trying to counteract my moodiness by wearing bright colors, which means pairing my summer maternity clothes with non-maternity sweaters.

The dishes will be in the sink until I have energy to do them.
The floors will be dirty until someone wants to come over and help (because seriously - I just can't do it any more).
The laundry will remain in piles until Elliott and I can fold it together while watching a show.

And as for me?  I'm spending every moment possible:
  • Writing (this includes commenting on blogs!)
  • Reading (I am re-reading Les Mis for the third time! - Haven't read it since HS.)
  • Watching TV shows and movies (now accepting suggestions for good movies on Netflix!)
  • Napping (when Gwendolyn lets me!)
When Gwendolyn is awake, I'm going to keep on in my efforts to have her play by herself while I'm in the room.  We will visit the library, read books, take baths, and yes -- we will indulge in more TV than usual (I'm a big fan of Blue's Clues over Sesame Street -- slower-paced and predictable, as well as watching ballets and other dancing videos).  I dislike "using" TV, but as long as I interact with Gwen while we watch the shows together, I think I can just let it go for this month (and maybe the month after baby comes and no one is around to help me?  Maybe?).

And here's the bottom line:  I just have to.  There's no other reasonable choice right now.  Yesterday, as Gwen woke up from a nap too early, we cried together.  And I mean - I hyperventilated-cried-sobbed-was-a-complete-mess for a long while.  That's just not good -- for me, for Gwen, or for Elliott. 

So I'm taking care of me this month in order to take care of everyone else.

And if you're a friend in real-time-life, please know:
  • I am having a hard time holding conversations -- like, it takes me a lot of effort.  So if I shirk away from seeing you or talking to you, it's not you -- it's me. 
  • Hanging out in general will take so much emotional and physical energy, and I'm not sure how I will be up for it.  
  • If you want to spend quality time with me, maybe just hold out until well after the baby is born and I'm back to a stable place.  
  • You are always welcome to come over and watch Gwen or clean something, as long as  you know I will mostly likely be in my bed watching that TV show you recommended.
  • Have you ever had to enact a "Take Care of Myself" month or day?  What did that mean?
  • How have others helped you take care of yourself?
  • Do you struggle with being "hard" on yourself, like me?  How do you combat that tendency?

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