Monday, March 25, 2013

postpartum: shifting hormones

It's in the night that I call out to You.

Image by kronerda on flickr.

Because it's in the wee hours of the night that the little one wakes up.
It's in the stillness of the predawn morning that I hear her little grunts.
I roll over, I fall back asleep as she feeds, and then startle myself awake to change her diaper.

Two hours later, and we begin the dance again.

And I'm thankful for the pirouetting that You've brought to us,
But that doesn't keep the hormones and sleep-deprived nature at bay.

Postpartum depression sneaks around the corner and lingers there --
Not completely present, but not completely absent --
Just waiting there -- for the right moment --
The time when lack-of-sleep and changing-hormones collide and make a big mess of my heart.

So it waits.

And that's why I call out to You.
Because I cannot weather the storm on my own.
Because I want to see the real joy that is before me in my life.
Because I don't want my sleepiness to take over and play with my head.
Because hormones shift and settle and re-organize in my system and I'm not in control.

So I call, and You answer me.

You answer me in the way my husband works from home and wears the baby.
You answer me in the meals provided from our church for two weeks.
You answer me in family being able to help out with the daily things of everyday life.
You answer me.

And sometimes, I don't know if You answer me.

Sometimes, it's just hard.
Sometimes, I just have to wait and let the day pass by.
Sometimes, I just cling to hope for a better night and a better tomorrow.
Sometimes, I just cry.

But I know You love.
I know I am Your daughter.
And I know that this time will pass,
And joy will be renewed once more.

And there is Hope before me --
In my arms -- in the wee hours of the night --
Wiggling tiny fingers and scrunching a tiny nose --
Burrowing like a bunny into my chest so she can hear my heart beating.

And there is Joy before me --
In the next room -- bounding awake with songs and giggles --
Pounding toddler feet into the wooden floors as she races by with glee --
Asking for a hug and snuggling deep into my arms for a cuddle.

And so I will continue to cling to my Hope and my Joy
As I wait for further answers, for further healing,
For further settling into this new kind of normal life.


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