even one sparrow

my very own rainbow

2012-03-01T14:08:00.000-05:00

This is a repost from December 7, 2009, but since I know a number of people having to make decisions (umm, Elliott and myself included), I thought it was worth a re-read. Also, most (all?) of you haven't read my posts from 2009 so it's new to you!

In the face of uncertainty, God has a way of working things out so that the circumstances point directly to him. This reality and experience has been my comfort and peace. I can do nothing but submit and obey--gladly, willingly, and with some sacrifice.

When confronted with an uncertain situation, my human inclination tells me to worry and start planning for the worst, or work really hard to make things better again. Jesus tells me, "Just wait and watch what I'm going to do!"

Allow me to share a story:

Once upon a time I had this dream, this prayer, this ernest desire and wish to be married in God's creation. My then-fiance and I wanted desperately to be married in the church of the great outdoors--in the woods among his creatures and creations. We planned for a June wedding, and I spent the next year asking nearly everyone I came into contact with to pray for a nice day.

The spring turned against me with all her raging stormy glory. For months, we watched as sunless day after sunless day passed by. I checked the weather every day to see what the weeks ahead would bring, and all I saw was rain, rain, rain. Finally, I let go. I stopped checking the weather and just said: so be it. It's in God's control. We will get the wedding day he wants us to have, and it will be wonderful, and my family and my friends will be there to witness it. It will be glorious because the Holy Spirit will make it glorious.

We got the one sunny, beautiful, non-humid day that month.

That entire month.

The next morning as we left for our honeymoon, the skies opened up again. Rain.

God's glory at work.

I don't know why he chose to give us a beautiful day. He could have chosen not to give us such a day, and it still would have been wonderful. But when I consider this day, and how God works in such a way that shows his glory, I am humbled. For the rest of my life, I will be able to say that God gave us that day specifically. It was an honest miracle. There is no way that day should have been beautiful.

And, more than anything, he gave me that day as a reminder. That day is my Noah's rainbow in my life. It's my personal reminder from God that he is in control and I have nothing to fear.

I like watching his hands at work in life. I like seeing the impossible become reality. Trusting can be difficult, but it's so much better than worrying, don't you think?

And the impossibility-made-reality becomes his glory.

intercessory prayer does not make God a genie

2012-02-28T05:00:00.000-05:00

...this post is continued from part one...

Lately, God has been growing me through unanswered prayers...

...which is actually a little funny, because He has simultaneously been growing a spiritual gift of intercessory prayer. I have witnessed wild types of answered prayer for other people, and I continue to receive nudges to pray very specifically for people in my life.

But in my own life?

I've been struggling with praying for myself. I have seen how He has answered prayers for us in times past, but lately... well, there's this one prayer. This one massive prayer that I have been begging Him for for a long time.

If you have a young baby, you might be praying for it too.

Maybe not in the early months -- when you expect to have little 3-4 hour chunks here and there, but later on -- when all the rest of the kids are "sleeping through the night."

It has to do with sleep. I am desperate for sleep. Every night, and every day, I pray and beg Him that Gwen will start sleeping through the night -- and I mean, the 7 pm - 7 am one. Heck, I'd even take 7 pm - 5 am or something like that. Or even 4 am. But night after night, I struggle with my own depravity as I feel anger boiling in me against the Lord. "Why won't you answer this prayer??" I accuse. I whine. I moan. I think I deserve better.

I deserve nothing.

And I've turned a corner.

It was a couple weeks ago at the Jubilee conference: A handful of our students answered an altar call to the front -- a call to live for Jesus in all areas of life. And one by one, as I saw them go up to the front, God gave me specific things to pray for in each of their lives. To be honest, I didn't know most of them very well, but I suddenly felt very close to each of them as God was making their needs known to me.

That's when I broke down -- to my knees -- and cried in prayer.

"What about me, God?" I asked. "What about me and my prayers?"

Then the Holy Spirit answered and gave me the realization: I was blinded by myself. For others, I can be objective -- waiting on the Holy Spirit's prompting for prayers -- but not for myself. I was expecting God to be the genie instead of the wise Sovereign Lord that He is. I was expecting Him to say, "YES," just because I had this spiritual gift of intercessory prayer.

I barely need remind myself (but I will) of the fact that Jesus himself -- the Lord himself -- received a "NO" answer from the Father. In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed...

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me."

Luke 22:42

God didn't take the cup of suffering from Jesus. No. Jesus suffered greatly, enduring humanity's sins so that we who call Jesus our Lord will not suffer for our sins. God the Father knew the whole story -- He knew what was best. And Jesus really knew that too, because in the second part of that prayer, he says, "Not my will but Yours be done."

That second part? Yeah, I wasn't-so-much praying that second part.

So I've taken a step back.

I've decided to approach all prayer with silence first.

And I wait for the Holy Spirit's prompting before I utter a word.

~~Even~~ Especially for myself.

intercessory prayer: growing through the answered and unanswered

2012-02-27T20:15:00.000-05:00

For a while, I didn't understand what it was. Things just happened. Prayers just happened. I would talk to someone and would suddenly feel a specific prayer rise from my soul. I knew what I had to pray for, and I did.

And then I saw answers. Answer after answer after answer. Specific prayers answered before my eyes. Houses. Cars. Finances. Babies. There were too many things adding up -- too many "coincidental" times that something would happen, and I would think, "Huh. I prayed for that."

And I forget when it suddenly dawned on me -- when the moment was when I turned to Elliott -- and I said tentatively, "Hey... Elliott? I think I have the gift of intercessory prayer."

I expected a, "Maybe," at best, and perhaps more likely a, "We don't want to rush to conclusions," but instead I was met with a, "You know, I really think you do have that gift."

The thing is, it's actually a little ironic that I have this specific gift, because a huge reason of why I have difficulty trusting God comes from a case of major unanswered prayer when I was in fifth grade. That's a post in and of itself, so I'll save it for later. But as I've grown closer and closer to the Lord, He has put things on my heart that I immediately know I am supposed to pray for. And I do. And then they happen.

It's wild.

I'm learning a lot about this whole intercessory-prayer-thing too. It's not like God's a genie and I go around asking people what they want and then get it for them. It's more about discernment. Someone asks me to pray for something, and I bring that person before the Lord. I ask the Holy Spirit to help me see how best to pray for them. And then I tell them how I am specifically praying for them. I think this is so important, because I want God to get the glory when He answers the prayer.

And other times, I don't even have to dwell on it. I see someone and immediately feel a prayer rising from within me. It's inexplicable. It's surreal. It's the Holy Spirit.

As soon as I realized I had this gift, I knew I had to be... deliberate with it. I think that's the word. Deliberate in prayer, and deliberate in seeking growth. I felt a responsibility had been given to me, and I wanted to develop it -- and giving God the glory in the process. So I prayed for help with growth.

And the answer to that prayer was surprising. But God-like. Because He answered my prayer for growth by not answering my intercessory prayers for myself.

Remember how I talked about growing through unanswered prayers?

...to be continued...

an update on reading the Bible

2012-02-27T10:22:00.000-05:00

To jog your memory: I'm currently reading through the Bible in 90 days. This is part of the reason I haven't been updating as frequently, as much of my free time is spent reading the Bible.

Anyways, here are some cursory thoughts:

It is hard to soak in the Word by cruising through it at 12 pages a day. I think this is probably the only time I will do this challenge.
I used to think getting through Leviticus was hard. And then I got to Chronicles.
Right when I think I'm not getting anything in my brain, suddenly I will make a connection between Genesis and Judges (or some other two books) without a second thought. I think that's pretty cool.
I was really on top of things for the first few weeks, but last week I got into a bad habit of ... not reading. The vertigo certainly didn't help. So every day, I've been playing catch up. Some days, it can be very stressful, and I don't like that reading the Bible has become a source of stress for me.
I cannot wait to get to the Psalms. I used to read the Psalms every day. I soak in the Psalms. I love its honesty.
I am still stuck in Chronicles.

Just curious:

What's the hardest book of the Bible for you to get through, and why?
Have you ever had to carve out time to spend reading the Word/praying? What did you have to cut out to do it? Were you able to make it last?

mamas never get sick days

2012-02-25T18:33:00.001-05:00

No matter how old I get, whenever I get sick, I always remember the "glory" days of being sick.

You know the kind of days I'm talking about. I'm talking about the days when you got to nap on the couch and watch endless TV and movies (for me it went from Muppet Babies to Anne of Green Gables to Gone With the Wind to every Judy Garland movie under the sun) -- the days when soup and orange juice and a bottomless supply of tissues were only a "MOM!"-call away.

In college, I still would call my mom when I was sick. I would still indulge myself in an old movie, sleeping all day long, and a day or two of skipped classes.

After college, Elliott became my caretaker -- the one who would listen to every moan and sniffle (admittedly, I'm a terrible sick person aka I'm a drama queen and want pity when I'm sick... although there was that time I had the swine flu and was legitimately delirious).

And now? Oh, boy. Now. Now, I'm joining the millions of other parents throughout the world who no longer get sick days.

The last week -- well, ever since returning home on Monday -- has been a learning experience. True, I got sick in December, but it was nothing compared to this past week. The world around me was a constant undulation -- waves moving up and down, up and down, causing me to crawl around on the floor like Gwen, or just give up and lie down. I've been desperate for sleep, but unable to find it -- not so much due to the midnight-feeding-cries but more to do with that annoying I'm-sick-and-just-can't-sleep factor. Naptime for Gwendolyn has been naptime for mommy as well -- or at least, mommy-is-gonna-lie-down-and-wait-for-the-world-to-stop-spinning-time. And now that the waves have stopped, I'm still left with the feeling that my head is going to float away.

But there have been no days-on-the-couch for me. Nope. This week has been the normal play-with-baby, care-for-baby, bring-baby-to-the-doctor-for-her-eye, sing-to-baby, pray-with-baby, feed-baby, calm-baby week. The house has been left in utter chaos, but I've still managed to feed my entire family (and myself) AND clean the dishes. It's been mildly productive, even if I have felt like I've been swimming the whole time.

This isn't a pity-party. This is more of an awakening -- a realization that parenthood requires sacrifices I never thought I'd be able to make. Whenever I comment to other parents about my amazement at their lives ("You homeschool six children?" "You have toddlers, a pre-walker, and another baby on the way?"), they always tell me: "You just do it." And yeah. You just do. Some days, your prayers are desperate cries of, "Help me! Help me! Help me!" but then you just do it.

So I'd like to raise my virtual glass of orange juice to all the parents out there who never get sick days -- and especially to my own parents, and my mom in particular -- because even though my childhood memories are peppered with my own sick days, I cannot for the life of me remember my mom being sick. And that's because she is a mom, and moms just don't get sick days.

Here's to you!

(I didn't have OJ in the house. Just green drink. Because I'm weird like that.)

Oh, wait: this is orange:

Cheers!

the daily life

2012-02-21T20:08:00.000-05:00

I want to live in the reality of Christ every day.
I want everyone to understand, grasp, and welcome His reality.

So much of my life, I live.
I just live.
I do the daily things: the chores, the work, the bills, the worrying.
So often, a part of me forgets.
I don't want to forget.

I want to live moment-to-moment
in His grace,
in His presence,
in His truth,
in His reality.

I want to be more affected.
I want to be more effective.

Reposted from November 29, 2009.

when you pray and the opposite happens

2012-02-20T09:16:00.000-05:00

It starts out like this:

I am waiting outside the main conference room for the conference to be over. Gwendolyn and I are bundled up, ready to hit the road. It's 1 pm. Although the ride to Pittsburgh was smooth and without trouble, I feel the familiar anxiety creeping up in my heart. Desperate to combat it, but also fearing what lies ahead, I begin praying, "God, please keep us safe, please protect us from harm, please let us get home smoothly today." Even though I know it's theologically incorrect, I feel like I've "done my duty" by praying this prayer (albeit frantically). Somewhere in my brain, I feel like I'm "good" because of this prayer. Yet somewhere deep inside my heart, I know that the prayer comes out of fear instead of trust. And, you see, that's a problem. Why? Because of this, this, and this.

I ignore the fear, and keep breathing through this:

We reach the car, parked on level five of a massive parking garage. Everything is going well; we're making good time, and we're in good spirits. I hate driving in general, and usually Elliott does all the driving around here, but this time I'm on my own. I'm the one in charge (and I really hate that). While Elliott is driving around a large van full of a dozen or so students, I am driving our little Ford with two girls and a baby. So I swallow the anxiety as I start piling stuff into the trunk. I don't yet realize it, but my brain isn't exactly focused. Slamming the trunk, I skip over to the driver's seat, sit down, and go to put my keys in the ignition.

This is the first hiccup:

My heart sinks. I feel a lump in my throat as my mouth suddenly becomes dry. My hands start shaking. I finally utter: "Guys, you're not gonna believe this..." I let the last word linger in the air as I try to think clearly what the best thing to do is. Nothing comes to mind, and I slur out the rest: "The keys...were in my coat pocket...and I just locked it in the trunk..." I start reaching for my phone, readying to call Elliott who is, no doubt, already on the highway -- readying my words to ask him to come back and save us, when Lauren's genius speaks up. "Don't you have a pop-the-trunk button?" I look over to where she's pointing, and push the button (which I always figured opened the hood). The glorious POP sounds off, and I run to retrieve my keys. "I could KISS you!" I exclaim as I put the keys into the ignition. "This ride won't be so bad after all," I muse. Wanting to start the ride off right, I suggest we pray for the ride. This time, I also add in a, "Please give Gwendolyn peace and help her to sleep well." I think I'm "covered."

And then?...

I reach into my bag to find I lost the directions home.

We sit for 20 minutes in a line of cars, trying to get out of the parking lot.

It's 1:30 pm.

We finally get out of Pittsburgh convention traffic and onto the highway when, four miles down the road, the tunnel out of the city is completely blocked off.

A police car, two ambulances, and a firetruck zoom by.

We eventually have to make a U-turn on the highway, and receive directions from a Pittsburgh-native who is in the van (which is now about an hour's journey ahead of us).

We take the directions and don't make it back to the highway until 3:30 pm.

Gwen cries.

I want to cry, but I don't.

Everyone sleeps for a half hour (excepting me, of course).

Gwen cries.

We stop the car, and I'm fairly certain that Gwen has a fever. She's burning up. I try to give her infant tylenol and she spits it back up. Gwen and I are now covered in sticky, synthetic, cherry goop.

The Starbucks at the rest stop doesn't know what a doppio con panna is.

Gwen cries.

We try singing.

I am at the end of my rope.

And the whole time, I feel like I'm going to lose it. It takes every fibre in my being to not break down and cry. I call out to God. I ask Him to help. Finally, I just give in to Gwen's crying and start (somewhat audibly) saying verses over and over and over again to myself until I find the truth in them.

I start with the Lord's prayer.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil...

I remember the Holy Spirit.

Peace I give to you; my peace I leave with you.

I do not give as the world gives.

So do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

I move into Proverbs.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart...

And lean not on your own understanding...

In all your ways acknowledge Him.

And I find refuge in the Psalms.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want...

He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil...

For your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Suddenly, I find myself in silence. Gwen has fallen asleep and stays asleep until we get off the highway (and then she cries again). Eventually, I drop everyone off safely, and Gwen stops crying once I pick Elliott up at the truck rental place. It's 9:15 pm by the time we walk into our door.

I tell Elliott how ironic it is that such a journey happened to me. "This is exactly what I always pray against -- exactly what I am afraid will happen to me. The only thing that didn't go wrong was car trouble or an accident. But this is exactly what I always fear."

Of course, Elliott points out and it has already dawned on me that God was using this experience to grow me. There are certain things I fear -- irrationally fear -- to the point where I think if they happen to me, I won't survive. Somewhere inside me, I think that being in a strange city with no directions will kill me. Somewhere inside me, I don't think I will make it back home to safety. And when I pray for protection, I am not trusting the Lord. I am praying because I am afraid.

Last night was very hard. And I am still recovering from the exhaustion -- maybe not so much from the experience itself, but from the emotional turbulence I went through internally. And the reality is, I didn't need to go through so much turbulence because God was still with us. God was still with me. In the midst of feeling like everything was going wrong, God was trying to whisper in my ear, Rachel, I've got this. Don't worry so much. Trust me. You're going to make it home alive. You're going to be okay. But I wasn't listening.

Yet here I am. Home. Safe.

And Gwendolyn is home. Safe. Sleeping. She woke up exceedingly happy.

And even if we didn't make it home safe, it would still be okay. Because God's got this -- this whole "life thing." This whole bigger plan. He's got us. He knows what He's doing. We've got nothing to fear because we are in His hands.

And I'm just beginning to understand that, one unanswered prayer at a time.

pause

2012-02-06T08:09:00.000-05:00

sometimes there is needed

a pause
a breath
an interlude

and so I am taking full advantage of the chance
to sit
in silence
and breathe

and in the silence
in the breath
to heal

My posts may be a bit intermittent.
I am not "going anywhere," so please don't leave.
Feel free to check back.
But know that my silence is a good thing,
a productive thing.

Praying you also take the silence and breath when you need it,
and that you have people in your life to tell you when to hit the pause button.

what WE wore wednesday: the family edition

2012-02-01T00:00:00.001-05:00

On the way to a meeting with our CCO supervisor, I wore...

Carpet Coat: Urban Outfitters (thrifted and gifted)

While teaching kids theatre after-school, I wore...

Cardigan: Anthropologie, Shirt: Anthro, Jeans: J. Crew

To work, my (hot) husband wore...

Jacket: Thrifted (and he loves it!), Shirt: Gap, Jeans: Gap

At church, my precious babygirl wore...

Dress: Vintage (gifted!), Cardigan: hand-me-down

the Bible in 90 days

2012-01-31T05:04:00.001-05:00

Yup, that's right.
In the next 90 days, I will be reading the Bible cover to cover.
That's 12 pages a day, straight through.

http://biblein90days.com

Actually, I'm not the only one. There are a good number of people from my church (50? 100? Something like that?) doing the same thing. You see, we're in a period of transition from one denomination to another, and the leaders decided it would be a good idea for the congregation to have a good foundation. Personally.

The last time I read the entire Bible was during my freshman year of college. I read it over the course of two semesters. But I was drinking milk, friends. I wasn't ready for solid food, or solid study for that matter. So I hurried my way through the chapters, hoping to add another checkmark to my "LOOK-I'M-A-(hypocritical/judgmental/I'm-better-than-you)-CHRISTIAN" list.

I'm, um, not in that place any more.

Anyhoo.

These are the reasons I decided to join a new Sunday school class (and thus, alas, leaving my young adult Sunday school class behind for three months) to read through the Bible:

First and foremost, I want to know God better. I long to know who He is and how He has revealed Himself to us through His Word.
I want the accountability. Though I have tried to be disciplined about reading the Bible, I always venture through it haphazardly. I wanted structure and discipline, and I am better about those things when I have a deadline or people counting on me to get it done.
I am ever-in-need of developing good habits when it comes to spending time with the Lord. Reading 12 pages a day means I need to set aside a total of 30 minutes to an hour each day of God time. I hope this will help to further establish God as the main priority in my life.

And so far, just two and a half days into the 90-day-Bible-challenge, here are some things that are happening:

I am bringing the Bible with me EVERYWHERE in order to sneak another chapter in.
The Bible is becoming interwoven into every part of my waking life.
If I am up before anyone else in the house, the first thing I do is open the Word (instead of casually browsing the internet).
I am making connections in the Bible that I've never made before.
I am seeing more of God.
I am hearing Him more clearly.
If I am caught in an especially busy day, I STILL make time to read those 12 pages.

I can't wait to see what else is in store! If I can learn all this in a couple days, what will I have learned by the end of day 90?

Have you ever read through the Bible? What was it like? How did you keep yourself accountable?

Are you interested in reading the Bible in 90 days?

buy a hoodie/save a life: CODE:PURPLE

2012-01-30T05:00:00.001-05:00

"[In Africa,] it's not a matter of if I'll get malaria, but when I'll get malaria."

-Pam Abma

Admittedly, I live under a box labeled, "Oblivious."

I seriously have gone through most of my life assuming certain things have been eradicated in the entire world. Things like child labor. Sweatshops. Malaria.

After all, there's a vaccine for malaria, right? So everyone's good. No one gets infected. It's like the black plague; a thing of the past. Right?

...

Right?

...

Not so much, friends.

Malaria is the number two killer in Africa.

Every 45 seconds, a child in Africa dies from it.

This is no joke.

Malaria rarely affects us in the States. For that reason, we remain in our oblivious boxes. We don't see it, so it must not exist. But once in a while, one of these issues hits home, and we start paying attention.

I have a friend (Hi, Rebecca!) who's relative almost died of malaria. Her name is Pam. And if you have five minutes to spare (and I know you do), you should watch this quick video...

Did you catch that??

We can help.

We can do something about malaria.

On February 16, the launch of the CODE:PURPLE Event takes place during Mercedes Benz Fashion Week in NYC. This event will spread awareness, raise funds, and save lives who remain susceptible to malaria.

ING Activewear has developed a hoodie made out of moskeeto armor. This is special type of fabric that is lightweight, can completely cover a person's torso and head, and repels all insects. My friend mentioned that most people in Africa sleep under mosquito nets. If they have to go to the bathroom, they have to leave and remain unprotected. This hoodie will change all that.

The color purple was chosen because it's a neutral color; it can be worn by anyone in Africa, regardless of tribal association. It's safe.

Anyways. I hope you're getting the point here.

For a mere $22, you can help save someone's life.

buy a hoodie = save a life

Got it?

But you can also spread the word. Today.

You can follow @CodePurpleEvent on Twitter and Facebook.

You can RT this post. You can RT other posts on the subject.

You can talk about it. You can post about it.

You can make this cause go viral.

I hope you'll join me in discarding the "Oblivious" box,

because I, for one, know I'm ready to let it go for good.

http://www.codepurpleevent.com/

http://touchtheworld.org/

http://ingactivewear.com/

on it you shall not do any work

2012-01-29T14:28:00.000-05:00

"I have no right to be tired," I moan to my husband, allowing my eyes to quickly span the house. There's clutter everywhere, and I was looking forward to Gwen's long nap in order to clear it away.

But I sit down, exhausted -- this, despite the fact that my little girl actually gave me seven hours of uninterrupted sleep last night (Praise God!). Still, I can't motivate myself enough to fight away the tired. I want to rest. I feel my body slumping down into my seat as I stumble into a conversation with God.

God, I just can't do this today.
So don't.
No, really. I don't think I can be productive.
So don't.
Oh. Wait. Really?
Not today.

Suddenly, Elliott breaks into our conversation with, "When's the last time you had a Sabbath, anyways?"

AH. I was ready for this one, and so say without hesitation, "FRIDaaayyyy....." and then let the word linger uneasily in the air.

He knows and I know that Friday was not a Sabbath for me this week, but a day full of running Gwendolyn to the doctor's and (many) errands.

"Oh. I guess I didn't take a Sabbath on Friday."
"Nope," he responds.
Nope, God says.
"I think I need to take today off."
"Yup," says Elliott.
Yes, says God.

And it's no wonder that I am aching to read the Bible, sitting cozy on the couch while the baby sleeps. It's no wonder that God is drawing me nearer to Him today.

So I leave the clutter.
And I open the Word.

crying-it-out confessions, part two

2012-01-27T05:00:00.000-05:00

She's crying. And it breaks my heart.
The door that separates us seems like paper. I want to rip it to shreds -- to break into the room, scoop her up, and glue back all the pieces of our shattered hearts.

"This can't be right," I think. "How can I do this to her?"

I feel my resolve breaking. Despite careful research, I convince myself that I'm exercising cruelty on my baby. I decide I must be the most terrible mother in the world to let her cry for... well, it must be an hour, right? I look at the clock.

It's been ten minutes.

I pace back and forth, back and forth, before finally welling up with tears myself and collapsing onto my bed.

"God!" I internally cry out. "Is this right? Is this the right thing to do? Please give me wisdom!"

It's funny how when I never really expect Him to answer, He does. Loud and clear.

Sometimes I, too, have to let My children cry.

The response stops my tears immediately. I feel utter clarity enter into my soul and brain. It's so true, isn't it? I think about the many times I have felt absolutely broken and left alone -- the times I have cried out to the Lord to save me -- only to be met with silence. I think about the suffering that I have had to go through, but the blessings that those times have given. I think about many other people who have had to endure pain for some time, only to learn great things about the Lord.

And that's when I realize that in this case, I see more than Gwen sees. I have a fuller picture. And even though she may cry now, she won't cry forever. Eventually (and usually, after 10 or 15 minutes), she will be able to sleep again -- to sleep a deeper and better sleep than she has in the last month.

Making this decision has been ... powerful. I have felt in control of the situation; I have felt freed. And in the process, I have felt as though I am sort of growing up as a parent. This small little hardship and decision has helped me feel more equipped to make more decisions when-the-time-comes. And I know I am doing a good thing.

I am being the parent.

crying-it-out confessions, part one

2012-01-26T05:00:00.000-05:00

I don't even know how to begin this post.

I guess I'll begin by being frank: Frankly, I don't want to write this post. For some reason, it feels way too vulnerable to me -- too much of my-mom-self out there on the internet for people to criticize. But I cannot get it out of my head. It's almost as if it won't let go of me until I write it -- like nothing else will come into my brain until I get this down.

It's a vulnerable post because a lot of it is admitting that I was wrong.
Because I said never.
And I'm going back on that never.
And I'm swallowing some pride because of it.

I'm convinced that every parent experiences at least one, "I said I would never do this, and then I did," with their kids (my sister-in-law wrote a post about it a couple months ago). We always want to be the parent that would never give their kid a pacifier, that would never let them watch TV, that would never give them sugar, that would never let them cry-it-out...

...that would never let them cry-it-out...

Please, dear reader. Be gentle with me. I know that I am connected to many wonderful people out there in blogland that are so anti-cry-it-out (indeed, I was one of them) that I fear some sort of backlash about posting this confession. But I must. And so now that that whole disclaimer is out of the way...

Long before I became a mom, I had decided I would never let my baby cry his/her-self to sleep. I knew that parents had their reasons, and I respect each loving parent's decision to know what's best for their child. But I knew I would be that kind of a parent. Instead, I would be the kind of parent who took their child into bed with them -- the kind of parent that would sacrifice hours of sleep to rock or walk with baby until they felt secure -- the kind of parent that would do whatever-it-took to make sure baby didn't cry.

Well. I'm not that kind of parent.

The thing is, babygirl had always been such a good sleeper that we didn't need to do any sort of "sleep training" to get her to sleep. She seemed to take good naps and slept well at night. We always put her down while she was awake and only rarely would she fuss a bit to get to sleep.

All that changed a few weeks ago. I don't need to rehash it, because you can read about it here (and a thank-you to everyone who left me such loving, encouraging comments).

The short of it is that things weren't working. And I can't hold her every time she makes a peep at night. And the lack of sleep was making me depressed.

It wasn't a good situation. For anyone.

So we had to make a drastic change.

Although, the thing is... I don't think it's been all that drastic after all. Sometimes, I think I just get myself worked up over simple decisions. Like, I've pre-determined in my mind the things that I WON'T-EVER-NO-WAY-IN-THE-WORLD-WILL-I-EVER-WE-CAN'T-EVEN-TALK-ABOUT-THIS-THING-IT'S-SO-TABOO- do, so much so that I nearly have panic attacks just thinking about them. But really, I've done this to myself. There are valid reasons people make informed decisions about the way they raise their children, and the decisions are much easier to make when we (I) take the expectations away.

But more on this subject tomorrow...

what i wore wednesday: haphazard happenings and the hair verdict

2012-01-25T00:00:00.004-05:00

Okay, first a massive disclaimer: I fully acknowledge that the pictures in this post are lacking. Like... severely lacking. It was a crazy week and it was amazing that I even got out of a hoodie and out of my house at all, let alone found a husband to take some pictures of some semi-inspired outfits. Okay? Okay. Moving on.

In light of a crazy week, I am calling these outfits Haphazard Happenings. They were cooler in person, but alas, the pictures! The pictures!

This first outfit was much cooler/not-so-thrown-together-looking in real life. I wore it to my friend's baby shower. The dress is sort of a Gunne-Sax-look-alike but I don't know who made it (my mom got it from the internet). I'll wear/show-off the shawl I'm wearing another time; it's from my sister-in-law who is a missionary in Ecuador (and hence the shawl is from Ecuador. The color is a beautiful green, but you can't really see it here).

So, yeah, I blinked. So we tried to take another shot...

...and somehow it was worse?

Anyways, if I seem super bundled up, it's because I was. We woke up to this:

We have more yard/driveway than we do house. So it was quite a rude awakening to remember - oh yeah, we don't live in the city any more and actually have to shovel everything, and - oh yeah, that snowblower we have needs an extension cord.

Since my husband had come back from a staff seminar the night before, I decided to tackle the driveway all by myself:

Oh, yes I did.

Okay, enough snow. Back to outfits.

Sunday was our Young Adult and College Sunday, and I was singing frontline vocals. I wanted to look spiffy. I tried to sort of capture my outfit in bits and pieces since husband was away all day...with the young adults and college students (it's his job, ya know?).

The funny thing is that the worship leader was wearing pretty much the same exact outfit as me, although she's 36 (now 37?) weeks pregnant, and I am... not.

Dress: i.ner?... that's what it said on the tag... probably from Anthro (maybe my mom knows; it was from her closet), Leggings: Old Navy, Boots: Steve Madden

I wore this pretty red-rose ear-warmer headband from Urban Outfitters.

And I decided to do a quick, messy updo with my hair, since I have it and all.

...emphasis on messy...

...but it worked, I think.

Thanks to everyone who gave me such good advice about the hair thing. After much thought, I've decided (drum roll? anyone?) I'm going to grow it out as long as I can stand it and do my very best to make it look pretty.

And as for Gwenny, she had a cute outfit on, but it seems to be cursed, as we all found out yesterday.

can outfits be cursed?

2012-01-24T05:00:00.003-05:00

Warning: I talk about poop in this post. If you're a parent or a six-year-old boy, you probably won't notice. If you're anyone else, you've been fairly warned.

To future Gwen: I'm sorry. You're a baby and you're funny; there was bound to be a poop post sooner or later. If you don't want this stuff on the internet, be mindful of where and when you poop.

So, this is my favorite "everyday" type outfit that Gwenny currently wears (size 6-9 months):

See that? That's a tutu. Is there ANYTHING cuter than GWEN in a TUTU? The answer is no. And the outfit is cream-colored, which is a nice change from the typical everything-must-be-pink style of girl clothes.

In short: it's adorable, she looks adorable in it, and I love this outfit.

I try to "save" this outfit for semi-special occasions, like church or play group at the library. It's too cute for me to dress her in it when we're merely going to be at home puttering around.

But of course, Gwen knows something's up. Because whenever I "save" this outfit for a special day, she decides to poop all over it.

Here's the thing: she neverneverneverneverNEVERnever does this with any of her other outfits. Or when we're home all day. With any other outfit, all the mess stays inside the diaper. Or if I put this outfit on her and we stayed inside all day, she'd probably behave. But as soon as I take her out in the outfit, it's like she goes crazy.

I thought it was all in my head until this Sunday. Church hadn't even started. I was changing her diaper and she peed over the entire shirt (this happening because she started rolling away mid-diaper-change -- I'm sure you know what that's like). That's when I decided that this outfit must be cursed.

Either that, or Gwenny sure has a sense of humor.

Personally, I think she's in cahoots with her Papa (Grandpa) who is trying to get me back for the day I pooped all over him in church when I was baby.

THANKS, DAD.

I choose worship over wallowing

2012-01-23T13:13:00.000-05:00

"I do not spend enough of my time in worship and thanksgiving --

in being content in the circumstances."

I jotted down the above sentence during devotions this morning, in the quiet of a day yet to dawn -- while my daughter slept peacefully, and while my tea warmed my body. It was calm. The dewy morning greeted me outside, and I thought, "Yeah, my life needs to be more about worshipping God."

Such a calm, wonderful thought, don't you think? In those moments -- the moments of quiet and deliberate devotion -- it is so easy to think of the things we are going to do.

Let's skip ahead a few hours to 11 am. I have spent the last hour trying to appease my crying child. At first, I chalk up her screaming temper to being willful and spoiled, considering she only stops crying when I pick her up. Not one to let a child scream unconsolably, I continue to pick her up when she whimpers, and she allows for brief pauses of calm when eating or lying next to me in bed.

By 11:45 am, it seems we are both at our whit's end. I am rocking her in the nursery, and she is screaming her lungs out. "Surely, something must be wrong with her," I think and worry as I feel my eyes fill with tears of desperation. "I just wish she could talk to me."

I somehow calm her for 15 minutes with a small turtle toy and a game of open/close the window shade. Finally, I decide there's no way I can physically/mentally/emotionally make it to her 1 pm nap time, and I decide to feed her and put her to sleep early.

I breathe, even though I feel I might collapse.

My blogging-friend Tim (Hi, Tim!) says that this might make a good story in hindsight. Maybe. Maybe it will be funny somehow, and witty. I don't really know how that future story of this present day is going to go, but I do know this: That I must worship God. That it is during the weary days -- the days when I just want to throw up my hands and complain and wallow in self-pity -- that I must worship God the most.

So I thank the Lord for this day -- for being very aware of my humanity and brokenness and inability to do anything without the strength of the Lord.

I praise the Father that He is in control, and that He has given us this precious time to make known His name in all the earth.

God, I want everyone to know that You are good --

that You comfort --

that You are beside us --

that You have made Yourself known to us,

and this in itself is a gift.

I want never to forget what You have done for me,

I want never to cease being thankful.

And so I thank You --

in the easy, dewy early mornings

and it in the weary, tear-filled late mornings.

I thank You for all You have given.

what parenting has taught me

2012-01-22T18:46:00.003-05:00

Parenting has taught me a great many things. Some of the things I thought I would never learn in a million years, and other things I never knew were there to learn in the first place. Most of the things I have learned I cannot even begin to put into words -- they are the unspeakable "Amens" that pass in and out of me like a breath before I can grasp at them.

The lessons I have learned are profound -- they stun me into utter awe before a God I feel I am just beginning to understand.

But. There are a few lessons I can name, and I want to name them here. In my very short seven-month time of parenting (and nine-months of incubating said seven-month-old baby), here are some things I have learned:

Parenting has taught me that months go by way too fast.

Parenting has taught me to live as selflessly as possible -- going beyond being selfless; selfless just became a part of me -- it snuck up on my selfish nature and nearly kidnapped it. I find myself doing things I never dreamed my selfish nature would let me do, and I do them so, so gladly.

Parenting has taught me to slow. the. heck. down., and to literally breathe in moments that I never want to slip me by.

Parenting has taught me that poop is a legitimate topic of conversation.

Parenting has taught me that sometimes we have to do the hard thing to make baby healthy (even if it requires a few tears shed in the process -- both mine and hers).

Parenting has taught me just a tiny bit of what it's like for God to look down on us.

Parenting has taught me how every little decision I make affects another person.

Parenting has taught me to never say never, and that saying never means I probably will.

Parenting has taught me that I should sing my way through life much more often.

Parenting has taught me how to say no in order to protect the rhythm of our days and days off.

Parenting has taught me to never judge someone else's parenting decisions (partly because sometimes I later find myself making those very decisions I once judged so harshly).

Parenting has taught me to revere the library.

Parenting has taught me that sometimes, you just need to stop doing and start cuddling.

Parenting has taught me that nothing compares to being a parent.

What has parenting taught you?

on being (internet) vulnerable

2012-01-19T05:00:00.001-05:00

Click. Click. Click.

The post has been written, and it's time to put it up.

Click.

I hit the Twitter button, and add a hashtag.

Click.

Success!

Then I move to the Facebook button, and...

Click.

But instead of a routine post-up, I receive an unfriendly message about spam and being flagged. It appears that someone has flagged my posts -- someone in my friends list is annoyed by my blog posts.

This is when the wind lets out of my sails -- when the balloon pops --

This is when the vulnerability sinks in.

The truth is that I've always been an open person, almost to a fault. It has gotten me hurt, and sometimes the wounds have been deep, but I can't seem to live life any other way. I don't know how to change it. I am a trusting, open, vulnerable person. So when I write, I let my vulnerability peek through -- because, well, I don't know how to write otherwise. And I think there are enough people out there writing about Christianity from a non-vulnerable-point-of-view, and I don't want to be one of them.

But when someone rejects me, it hurts...

even if I'm not exactly sure who it is.

When I realize that people are reading my posts and don't like what I have to say,

it brings me down.

When I remember that there are people I know in real life reading my blog that don't like me, it feels like a punch to the heart.

When I recognize that -- yes, in fact, this is the internet which means anyone anywhere can ready anything at any time --

I feel...

Sheepish.

Foolish.

I wonder what-the-heck I think I'm doing here in the first place.

I think that, perhaps, I am just one of the many in my generation that thinks -- well --

that I can do anything.

But I can't.

And who am I, Lord? Who am I to think I should be letting myself out here like this -- exposing vulnerable parts of my heart and my walk with you?

Who am I?

And then, I want to run.

I want to delete everything.

I want to crawl under a rock and hide away until my words are forgotten.

But God has asked me to stay.

And He reminds me that as a Christian, adversity is part of the plan.

It's to be expected, and persevered through.

And I am to fear God, and not man.

I can't be a chapter-one-Jonah.

I can't run.

And so I write,

vulnerability and all.

what i wore wednesday: simple staples and baby slings

2012-01-18T00:00:00.001-05:00

This week, some basics, and then I have a question...

Simple Staples: Favorite Dress

This is my favorite dress. I bought it at a thrift store and I wear it whenever I want to look nice but don't want to make ANY effort whatsoever. Gwenny is dressed like a sailor girl.

Dress: Thrifted, Sailor Outfit: Gifted, Rain Boots: Sperry (DSW)

Oh, and since some were interested: Glasses: Vogue

(Don't mind those baby toys at my feet... sometimes these things are unavoidable.)

Simple Staples: Basic Essentials

This outfit is pretty basic, but I love how throwing together some basic essentials makes for an elegant-casual outfit. This is what I wore on Sunday to church.

Shirt: Express (Thrifted), Corduroy Skirt: Hand-me-down (Thanks Nicole!), Grey Tights: ummm?, Shoes: Payless

Teeny-tiny heels!

Baby Slings

Yesterday was one-of-those-days when Gwennybear was only happy whilst I was carrying her. Since there were some things that had to get done around the house, I decided to sling her up for the day. As you can tell, this made her very happy.

Baby Sling by Baby K'Tan

Question

Okay, so here's my question, and I'd like you all to weigh in. My hair is at that length where I need to get it trimmed and decide if I'm going to cut it again or grow it out. The last time I grew it out was when I was pregnant, but then it got to an annoying length where I didn't like it (and started putting it up in a ponytail EVERY DAY, which I do not like doing). And thus began/begins the never-ending cycle: I chop it off, let it grow to about the length you see it here, and then chop it off again. I'm never actually happy with my hair. So a part of me feels like I'm going to go all Michelle-Williams and just chop it all off so that it's a pixie cut. But another part of me feels like I might regret it, and maybe I should stick-it-out for now and try to grow it really long so I can updo it like the ladies in Downton Abbey (okay, so maybe not really... but sorta-kinda-maybe I would try? Sometimes?).

So what should I do? Pixie-cut it or grow it out really long?

the most depressing day of the year

2012-01-17T13:34:00.000-05:00

Did you know that the third Monday in January actually has a name? It's called Blue Monday, because apparently it's the most depressing day in the year.

Personally, I didn't feel too depressed this past Monday. Actually, it was a pretty good day. But I guess for a lot of people, the end-of-the-holidays/return-to-work thing really hits them hard.

The other contributing factor to Blue Monday is not keeping New Year's resolutions. This is perhaps something I can relate to, and since I was busy with family on Monday, I didn't have time to think of resolutions or feeling unmotivated. But today is my very own "I-don't-wanna-do-it Tuesday," wherein I don't really feel like following through with my resolution to write on this blog for another year.

There are a number of reasons. One reason is that I'm finding a writing outlet somewhere else, as one of my childhood dreams has come true and I'm getting paid to write elsewhere. Another reason is that I'm suddenly very aware of how vulnerable I've been and that makes me want to crawl under a rock some days. And probably a third reason is because I publicly announced my resolution to write for another year.

Ugh.

I brought this up to Elliott. I hoped he would say, "Well, just don't do it any more," but instead he said, "Maybe God wants you to push through this rough spot. All writers have to face times like this."

Argh.

So I guess I'm not going anywhere, and I will continue to write -- no matter how haphazard or uninspired the posts may be.

How did you feel on Blue Monday?

How are you feeling about your New Year's resolutions?

these are the days

2012-01-13T05:00:00.001-05:00

these are the forgotten days

the days that begin too slow and end too fast

the days that can pass by without my knowing

without my being

the days that fill up before there is time to notice

how the gleam in your eyes changed ever-so-slightly

and the erupted giggle is more grown-up than yesterday

I do not want a day to go by

without cuddling and nuzzling

without kissing and giggling

without praying and singing

these are the days I want to remember when

you were just as you are

an inadvertent technology detox

2012-01-12T05:00:00.000-05:00

A couple days ago, I lost my phone.

And when I say, "lost," I mean L - O - S - T.
I mean that it's gone. Forever.
I mean that I'm pretty sure it evaporated into thin air, or maybe got caught up in a black hole, or found it's way to the Bermuda triangle, or more likely it dropped out of my coat pocket and into the recycling bin, which means by now it's probably an Odwalla bottle.

All I know is that somewhere between my car and my house -- between my car and my house -- my phone absolutely and positively disappeared.

My first reaction? Crazy, frantic searching high and low.
My second reaction? Withdrawal. Strange, uncontrollable withdrawal.

The withdrawal really freaked me out, considering that I've never thought of myself as particularly attached to me phone. I'm actually the kind of person you probably get annoyed with -- always keeping my phone on silent, never answering it, and checking my voicemails (maybe) three times a month. In fact, losing my phone was probably God's way of teaching me that I'm a poor phone steward and need to become more responsible before I get a new one.

But seriously -- the first day without my phone, I felt depressed, confused, anxious, isolated, and insecure. It was crazy, folks. CRA - ZY. My husband said that there have been studies done showing the similarities between drug withdrawal and technology withdrawal. And sure enough, one search on Google revealed as much. This website said, and I quote:

"Being forced to stay away from computers, cell phones, iPods, [etc.]... causes young people to suffer similar symptoms to drug addicts and smokers who go cold turkey."

Umm, excuse me? Symptoms similar to drug addicts who go cold turkey?? Doesn't that seem a tad bit extreme?

I could laugh. I could say that losing my cell phone was a mere annoyance and leave it at that. But I'd be lying.

The first day without my phone was dismal.

But the second day wasn't so bad.

And the third day, I thought: "Hey, I could really get used to this."

Since then, I've been extra thankful for the unexpected and inadvertent silence that's entered into my life -- a new stillness in which I am not tied to a little ringing piece of plastic. And I decided that I could sit and worry about my phone and wonder what I will do about it, or I could take this chance to move beyond the anxiety and isolation and trust that God has a plan, even in something as minor as this.

I'm moving beyond.

And I still don't have a phone.

what i wore wednesday: woodland tales and prairie girl

2012-01-11T00:00:00.003-05:00

Hi friends!

Wow! - what a response I got from the first WIWW post! And what fun! I loved meeting new people and visiting their fashion posts. I hope to look at even more this week. If you're stopping by from The Pleated Poppy (who hosts WIWW), please leave a comment to let me know, and I'll be sure to swing by your site.

This week included many outfit-changes, mainly because the weather couldn't make up its mind.

Outfit 1: Woodland Tales

Admittedly, this is a "go-to" outfit for me when I want something fun to wear but don't want to think about it. It's a collage of sorts, gathering clothing pieces from all sorts of stores and from all walks of my life. The stockings, for instance, came from a department store in Oxford when I studied at the University my senior year of college.

Bird Shirt: Cabi, Jacket: Anthropologie, Tree Dress: Urban Outfitters,

Stockings: Department Store in Oxford, Fuzzy Boots: Steve Madden

Here's a close-up of the shirt. I love pairing the shirt with the dress because it makes it seem like the birds are dancing in the treetops.

Outfit 2: Hodgepodge Thrift

Hat: thrifted, Shirt: Odille (probably from Anthro)

Sadly, I didn't get a chance to snag a full-body shot of this outfit (it was a busy day). I put the outfit on before heading over to the thrift store with my family. Before I left, I thought, "This outfit needs a hat, but I'm not sure what kind of hat it needs." Then I found the hat at the thrift store! Don't you just love those moments?

Here's a close-up of the shirt. The detail is amazing. The pattern includes all sorts of little creatures -- lambs, lions, foxes, and rabbits. I love it so much!

Jean Skirt: Department Store in Oxford, Navy-Blue Stockings: H&M, Boots: Frye

And here's the bottom half of the outfit. I'm glad nifty stockings are coming back in style. I've been donning eclectic stockings in the winter for years now, so I'm finally back "in style" instead of just being odd and eclectic in my own fashion world.

Outfit 3: Little House on the Prairie

Dress: Gunne Sax, Vintage'

This is what I wore to church on Sunday. It's one of my favorite outfits, snagged from my mom's closet. I know it's not for everyone, but it really fits my personality. I would live in dresses like this every day of the week if I had them.

Oxford Heels: Payless (circa 1999)

My friend, Victoria, took this picture a month ago, but I wanted to put it up so you could see the whole dress.

Outfit 4: Vintage Gwendolyn

Gwendolyn wore this vintage baby dress since the weather was permitting. She looks so happy to be a part of WIWW! (The vintage dress was a gift from Victoria, actually!)

Outfit 5: The Cozy Non-Outfit

By the end of the week, I totally needed to veg out in ye ol' trusty sweatshirt...

...because at some point, we all need to cuddle in a hoodie.

What did you wear this week?

a (potentially future) pastor's wife speaks

2012-01-10T05:00:00.001-05:00

(Yesterday I spoke briefly about my husband's seminary application process. For one of the applications, a spousal statement is required. Below is (part of) my statement.)

I cannot run from God.

That is the phrase that comes into my mind as I try to express why I think my husband should attend seminary: I cannot run from God.

Anyone who has served in ministry leadership knows that it would perhaps be easier to get a secular job, earn a comfortable living, and play it "safe." But what my husband and I have learned over the last few years of marriage together is that God does not ask us to play it safe; He asks us to follow Him.

We have followed Him into ministry together, serving side-by-side in campus ministry. We have followed Him into Christian community together, living for 3 1/2 years with other Christian families and being spiritually stretched in the process. We have followed Him into support-raising, trusting God and God alone with our funds we we have asked others into partnership for the Gospel by supporting us. And now, we are following Him in the call to pastoral ministry.

I purposefully stress that we are following the Lord into pastoral ministry together, because I am as much a part of the ministry as my husband. I know the types of sacrifices God asks a pastor's wife to make, and I am willing to make them in obedience to Christ. I have struggled alongside my husband, attempting to discern if this is the path God wants us to take, and I am certain it is. God has gifted my husband in such a way and has knitted our lives together in such a way that points directly to pastoral ministry.

I cannot run from God, and I won't.
He has called us into pastoral ministry, and we will follow.

seminary applications and a "yes" from God

2012-01-09T11:57:00.000-05:00

My husband is currently applying for seminary.

It's an interesting process -- one littered with questions of How? and When? and Are We Sure?

And no matter which way we slice it, we cannot fit the pieces of the puzzle together. I feel like maybe we're just missing pieces right now -- that we don't have them all within our grasp -- and sometimes just have to walk away from the bigger picture while we remain faithful to to smaller bits.

I've written before about my own discernment process in becoming a pastor's wife. But that's not the full story. The call to pastoral ministry was first laid on my heart. It caught me off guard sitting in church one day. Suddenly, God brought it into my mind with such a peace. In my mind, I saw my husband preaching, and I heard a word in my heart: Yes. From then on, I knew Elliott had to pursue it.

The past year, we have wrestled with knowing whether or not it is the right call to pursue -- after all, there are so many ways we could go -- but a few weeks ago, I just knew that the wrestling was over. God didn't want to wrestle with us in the matter any more -- we were the ones continuing the fight. And with this realization came a second peace -- a second Yes. Yes, we are on the right track. We have to move forward. And even though it's hard -- even though it will undoubtedly be harder later on -- it's the right thing to do.

It might be next year. It might be in ten years. But whenever it begins and however long it takes, I know it's where God wants us to go. And go we must.

(to be continued tomorrow...)

Waste Not: Homemade Laundry Detergent

2012-01-09T10:27:00.000-05:00

Since I recently ran out of laundry detergent, I decided to give one recipe a try. It's pretty easy, although a tad bit time-consuming. After you read through this recipe, maybe you could share your own recipe in the comments section. I'm almost finished with this first batch, so I'd be willing to try something else.

Homemade Laundry Detergent

1/2 C Washing Soda

1/2 C Borax

1 C Grated Unscented Soap

Grating the soap and running it through the food processor obviously took the most time. It's not that much time, but I could see how it would deter some people from trying this out (and someday I may not have time to do it this way).

Measure out and combine all ingredients.

Use 1-2 tablespoons depending on the load.

Overall, I have been very pleased with the mixture. Our clothes are clean and fresh and I have absolutely no complaints. I will continue to use homemade laundry detergent for the foreseeable future.

Rating:

4.5 out of 5 stars

(0.5 off for time)

Please share: what do you use for laundry detergent?

regrets

2012-01-06T05:00:00.001-05:00

Four years ago, we were sitting around a cafeteria table, frantically gobbling down our dinner. We had a half hour break during an eight-hour rehearsal, and we were starving -- both for food and for fellowship. As we quickly laughed our way through a series of topics, the question was posed:

If you could do anything else other than what you are doing right now, what would you do?

At the time, I was an actress, on a full scholarship, getting paid to act. I racked my brain -- there was nothing -- literally nothing -- else I would want to do. I was living my dream.

The Illusion, directed by Harriet Power, Villanova University Theatre

I half-heartedly answered, "Museum curator," although I knew it was basically a lie. Acting was IT for me. I had finally made it, and I wasn't letting go.

The Illusion, directed by Harriet Power, Villanova University Theatre

Or so I thought.

Because that summer, I gave it all up -- lock, stock, and barrel, as they say.

And do I regret it?

Ah, that's the million dollar question.

Because sometimes, I feel it.
I feel the pain of tearing a piece of yourself away -- I feel the familiar wound.
And out of nowhere, sometimes I feel something more --
a twinge of envy boiling up inside me.
I glimpse into a life I could have had -- and a part of me still wants.
A part of me mourns for what I gave up.

And then: a reminder hits me -- He whispers softly into my ear --

What about your daughter?

It was that, or your daughter. You chose your daughter.

And it's true. No, really. I couldn't have had both -- at least, not the way I am wired. Maybe someone else with another constitution, but not me. Theatre became my life -- inside and out, upside and down, and every-which-way you could possibly imagine. I had given my soul to every character, every play, every director, and by the time I was 24, I had nothing left inside me. I was a shell walking around. I didn't even know who I was any more; all I had inside me were the characters. It became apparent that I could not have both career and family, and so I chose.

And the fact is that God told me to step away.

It was right before class. I couldn't take another hour inside the theatre building, and so I climbed a tree instead. And there, God met me.

"God, what am I supposed to do?"
Why do you keep asking? - I've already told you.

And deep within me, a song by Sara Groves rose up: "It's your chance to stand up and tell the world you've gotta rest awhile."

I didn't go to class that day.
I withdrew.
And I haven't gone back to theatre -- at least, not the way it used to be.

And if someone asked me today if I wanted to trade in my life as disciple-of-Christ/wife-to-Elliott/mommy-to-Gwen for the dream acting job, I would emphatically say no.

With no regrets.

walking on water

2012-01-05T05:00:00.001-05:00

"Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came towards Jesus.

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Matthew 14:29-30

How often do I follow Your voice on faith, only to be distracted by some tangible wind?

How often do I take initial trusting steps towards Jesus, only to lose my footing?

How often do I walk out onto the water, only to drown in worry and fear?

Am I walking on water, or am I sinking?

What about you?

What I Wore Wednesday (First Time!): Victorian Casual

2012-01-04T04:45:00.002-05:00

I'm really excited about starting something new at the start of this year. In an effort to connect with more bloggers (and to keep me motivated), I'm shaking up my Wednesday routine. Don't worry! If you are mainly at my blog for the simple-living posts, they will still be here, just not every Wednesday. To give you hope, I promise I am working on a review of homemade laundry detergent, as well as a couple of highlights of some super spiffy books I received for Christmas. So stay tuned!

But back to the matter at hand. Inspired by the lovely Megan over at Sorta Crunchy, and the other ladies who take part in the What I Wore Wednesday link up, I've decided to get back in touch with my pre-mommy (pre-wear-pajamas-all-day) self when it comes to fashion.

I did a lot of experimenting with fashion in college, but in recent years, I've been trying to cut back on my closet, and I've sort of wanted to dress as simply as possible. But I'm a theatre-girl at heart, which means I love anything that feels like a costume. So I thought I'd give you all a taste of the types of things I wear.

It's also worth saying that I haven't gone shopping for myself in at least three years. All of my clothes are clothes I've had for YEARS (some dating back to eighth grade, no lie), but most have been given to me or were found in my mother's closet (she rocks... and has a better eye for fashion than I do).

So without further ado, I give you my first WIWW Post:

Victorian Casual

I call my look "Victorian Casual" because I'm inspired by the Victorian period, with the lace and the high collars, and the boots, and the fanciness. But I'm also a mom, which means I like to wear jeans and fuzzy boots and t-shirts. So I do what I can.

This past week, I wore this vintage coat around most days. It's not warm enough for the chilliest of days, but it was mostly mild around these parts, so it was a good excuse to wear this beauty.

The coat was a gift from a friend who got it from her sister. Her sister was giving it away, and Sonya decided it was my style, so she snagged it. I am forever grateful.

(Forgive the indoor/uninspired shots. I literally gave the camera to my husband 10 minutes before I ran out the door for work. He was holding our baby the whole time. I thought he did a pretty good job considering the circumstances.)

And this is what was under the coat. Notice the lace? My style has always been lots of layers, so I have a cardigan on top of a long-sleeved shirt on top of a tank top. And usually I wear cooler boots than mere fuzzy ones, but when it's cold, my feet want the fuzzy.

Cardigan: Free People, Shirt: Moth, Tank: Target, Skinny Jeans: J Crew, Boots: Bearclaw

Here's another outfit I wore this week:

Again, lots of layers! I have a small high-collared jacket over a t-shirt over a tank top (and yes, the tank top has lace on the bottom - of course!).

Jacket: Anne Taylor LOFT, T-Shirt: Anthropologie, Tank: I have no idea,

Grey Leggings: Old Navy, Plaid Galoshes: Sperry at DSW

But to be honest, when I'm inside the house (and I'm inside the house most of the time), I switch out my boots for these friends:

Slippers: Urban Outfitters (Christmas present! Thanks mom!!!)

And that's what I wore.

those 3 am prayers

2012-01-03T05:00:00.003-05:00

A familiar cry pierces the night and awakens me from much-needed slumber. As I muster up the strength to get out of bed, I check the clock. Merely two hours before, it was the same story. And two hours before that. And in two hours, it will probably happen again.

It's not a hunger cry, nor a pain cry. It's a strange whimper unlike any I really know. I feed her anyways, because if she'll eat, it's the fastest way to get her to sleep again. But sometimes she just wants to be held. She'll fall right asleep in my arms, curling up and bringing her tiny face against my chest as she "hummm, hummmms" her way back into her dreams.

But what about me? Where is my sleep?

Because when I put her back in the crib, the crying starts again. And so there are many hours in the night when I am huddled on a rocking chair or pacing the nursery floor or wishing-to-God that our co-sleeper would fit in our new bedroom.

This is a rude awakening for parents who got used to a one-month-old daughter who slept through the night, then regressed at three months to wake up for a 3 am feeding. But we managed well. My body adjusted to the feeding time, and I thanked the Lord every day for such an easy baby. The entire family felt well-rested and blessed, and we went along our merry way.

Over Christmas, we attributed the strange new sleeping pattern to various possibilities. It was probably the new environment, we said... or perhaps she was overstimulated from Christmas presents and cousins... or maybe she was missing the feel of her cloth diapers since we opted for disposables while away from home. We reasoned the nightly oddities away, telling ourselves all would go back to normal when we got home.

But they didn't.
And I got sick.
And sometimes at night, I don't know how to deal. After I put her down in the crib in the middle of the night, I tiptoe back to my bed and beg God that He will help her sleep. My head pounding, my throat soar and parched, my body longing for one night of decent sleep, I succumb to the temptation of despair.

It's only in the light of day that I wonder what sorts of prayers I should be uttering in the quiet recesses of the night. There are so many people around the world in dire circumstances -- a mother who sleeps restless wondering if she can feed her children the next day, a kidnapped young girl crouched on a dirty brothel floor, the wrongly-accused suffering silently in solitary confinement. What right have I to beg God for a night of sleep when the worst of my problems in that my healthy 6-month-old is going through a phase?

My husband says it is good to bring all our concerns to a Father who loves us, but that we shouldn't let our concerns cloud our judgement and thankfulness. In the morning light, I accept this clarity, but I have trouble thanking God when I am called away from the rest my body craves in two-hour increments.

So now before I go to sleep, I just ask God for the strength to get me through the night, and the day that follows. Because when I am sleep deprived, I am prone to snappiness and selfishness and cloudy judgement and sickness. I ask God for His grace to work through these earthly weaknesses, and I search Him for understanding what I can learn from this situation.

Do you have any pearls of wisdom to share with this sleep-deprived girl? Any words of encouragement, having possibly "been there, and done that?"

resolutions

2012-01-02T05:00:00.001-05:00

2011 was a great but strange year, and in it I met many changes in my life. There were a lot of firsts - first time being pregnant, first time having a baby, first time understanding the joy of constant selflessness, and first time not having a crazy-fun New Year's Eve (we opted to stay in, watch some Downton Abbey, and go to bed early since I am S.I.C.K. (oh, and if you haven't seen Downton Abbey, stop reading this post and watch the first season. Right now. (I'm not kidding.) (Go do it.) (It's the best show I've ever seen. I feel like the creators sat around and asked themselves, "What would be the perfect show for Rachel Stephan Simko?" and then created Downtown Abbey.) (They just forgot to include dinosaurs, but you know - it's only in the second season.))))). Anyways. I've decided to take on another first at the end of 2011/beginning of 2012: making a New Year's resolution.

Kristen over at Rage Against the Minivan wrote a post about why she hates New Year's Eve, and it got me thinking about my own love/hate relationship with the holiday. On the one hand, I've always enjoyed spending a late night with friends, usually involving some sort of sleepover/staying-up-way-too-late, and having the obligatory 11-o'clock-(gluten-free)-pancake-brunch. So on the celebratory side, I've always loved the holiday. On the other hand, I've never been one for resolutions. It always seemed arbitrary to me, and any attempt I made at resolutions on New Year's Eve always fell flat the next week because I just didn't see the point. If I wanted to make a change, I would just make a change -- no matter what part of the year. I didn't see the reasoning behind confining oneself to a holiday to make a resolution of change.

Well, that part of me shifted in the last couple weeks, and I'm not exactly sure why. But there are two resolutions I feel I must make for 2012:

Resolution 1: In regards to health, I've decided to forgo refined sugar for the year, except on special occasions (meaning holidays or birthdays). I am coming to this decision because I am consistently trying to find ways to eat better and take care of myself for the long haul. Although I've had some doctors tell me I eat healthier than anyone they've met, sugar is one area that I want to completely separate myself from. I did a trial run a month ago, and found (to my great shock and dismay) that I was a bit addicted -- even to the small bits I was having each day. So starting yesterday, I've said goodbye to sugar.

Resolution 2: In regards to the blog, I've decided to stick with it for the year and see what happens. Every time I get discouraged about writing this blog, I lift my discouragement up to the Lord, and I immediately either get a bunch more followers overnight, or a random encouraging comment to "keep going" from a person who never comments (but apparently always reads). I'm not sure what God is doing with/through this blog, but it seems like He wants me to keep on going. To be quite honest, there are so many things I love about it (and one of my favorite things is connecting to people, so please start commenting if you're a regular reader! I want to meet you!), but it is tricky to keep posting with an almost-mobile baby and two and a half other jobs (teaching theatre, blogging for a business, and campus ministry/mentorship). So I've been getting weary, but I'm gonna give it one more year.

What are your thoughts on New Year's resolutions? Will you be making any this year?

an audience of one

2011-12-30T05:00:00.001-05:00

"How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?"

John 5:44, NIV

It's so very easy to live in constant fear of man.

Everywhere we look, we are given a standard to be a certain way, to act a certain way, to want a certain kind of praise from certain kinds of people. It gets confusing. It gets frustrating. Does anyone ever live up to the (multiple/dualistic/superficial/spastic) standards of men?

Why do we get down on ourselves when we don't?

When we look in the Bible, we see a different standard. But how much are we looking to that standard of how to live? Without effort, we are inundated with the standard of man, but it takes effort to understand and digest and yearn for the standard of God. And when you do start to digest God's standard, you realize - "This is impossible. I can't ever live up to this way of living."

But why do we get down on ourselves when we don't?

We have already been told that we can't.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

Romans 3:23, ESV

It doesn't end there, though. For although we fall short of God, we do not have to live in fear of falling short.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

Romans 8:1, ESV

With this Good News in mind, please be freed of the standard of man.

Live and breathe for an Audience of One.

"This Journey is My Own" - Sara Groves

When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone.

This journey is my own.

Still I want man's advice, and I need man's approval,

but this journey is my own.

Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price?

What would it mean to gain the whole world, only to lose my life?

So much of what I do is to make a good impression.

This journey is my own.

So much of what I say is to make myself look better.

This journey is my own.

'Cause trying to please the world, it was breaking me down,

It was breaking me down.

Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one,

Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one.

Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one,

'cause I know this journey is my own.

Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price?

What would it mean to gain the whole world, only to lose my life?

You can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain.

I can't even judge myself.

Only the Lord can say, "Well done."

Reposted from August 15, 2010.

dirty feet

2011-12-29T05:00:00.002-05:00

Like Eve, I cover myself and hide away.

Like Peter, I want to be bathed completely.

Because every day, I am more and more aware of my unworthiness.

My guilt and shame consumes me.

I look down and see my dirty feet, cracked and soiled and unpresentable.

Photo by joeyjoe000

I hide them. Then I hide my hands. Then my thighs. Then my face. My hair. My eyes. My soul. Everything.

"He poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet.

"No," said Peter. "You shall never wash my feet."

Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."

"Then Lord," Simon Peter replied. "Not just my feet, but my hands and my head as well!'"

We speak of repentance, and I feel my soul crushed by my need for repentance. I want to repent every day of every thing, but I feel that my efforts are never good enough. My prayers are never enough. I am still crushed. Like Peter, I cry out to my Father, "Clean all of me, Lord!"

"Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet;

his whole body is clean."

Jesus has already cleansed me.

I have already been forgiven.

But I still have dirty feet.

Repentance is good news.

It is recognizing where we have dirty feet,

and recognizing the horror if we keep those feet dirty.

And He promises:

Thank me.

Call out.

And I will save you.

(Thanks to Rev. John McElwain for his inspiration and teaching on this topic.)

Reposted from July 22, 2010.

when plans change: victory through Christ

2011-12-27T05:00:00.000-05:00

We have a plan. It is a good plan: a dinner date with new city friends. We leave from my class and arrive with time to spare. It is relaxing--fun--enjoyable. It is simple.

But as we turn the corner of yet another street void of available parking spots, I realize our plans must change. We are a half hour late with no parking space in sight. I search our phones for our new friends' phone number. We don't have it.

Finally--an idea: why don't I go upstairs to tell them and hang out until Elliott finds a spot?

It's a simple solution... unless you're a person with a recent history of severe agoraphobia.

Yet I knew it was the only solution, and so I step out of the car onto Rittenhouse Square and start searching for their high-rise, all the time keeping the Caedmon's Call song close to heart:

"This day's been crazy but everything's happened on schedule.

From the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt.

'Cause you knew how you'd save me before I fell dead in the garden.

And you knew this day long before you made me outta dirt."

God knew all of this craziness would happen. He knew I'd have to walk into a nearly-stranger's high-rise by myself. He knew, and so it must turn out okay. I must be okay in the end. I just have to keep going and trust him.

I walk into the cathedral-sized lobby and "announce" myself to the desk clerk. She calls up to their apartment and waits for an answer, and I'm grateful for the delay. I've never been in a place quite like this before. I'm intimidated. I keep praying for Elliott to walk through those doors. I walk slowly. I am overly thankful to everyone who helps me. I start to pace. She sends me upstairs, to floor 14.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

And so I walk, praying for the grace to trust and for the feet to walk in straight paths. I step out of the elevator into a long, ominous hallway a la The Shining. It's at this point that I think I might have a panic attack. As I walk down the hallway looking for their unit, I feel myself begin to shake. Tears swell up in my eyes and I feel the impending doom falling upon me.

And then: something new.

He said to me: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness."

I repeat the verse over and over again with each step, and feel the peaceful presence of the HOly Spirit descend upon me. I stick out my right hand and it feels like the Lord takes it and guides me through the self-imposed dark tunnel. And so we walk hand in hand to my destination. And I forget about the anxiety. I forget about the overwhelming feelings. I am present. Here.

I knock on the door.

Reposted from September 3, 2010.

this is your spiritual act of worship

2011-12-26T05:00:00.000-05:00

We speak of Romans 12 and offering our bodies as living sacrifices. We acknowledge that life is to be our act of worship--that worship should not be shuffled off to one corner of our lives.

But as we go around and share prayer requests, I see that there is deep pain. There are serious concerns here. People are hurting.

The inevitable question is posed: "How can I live a life of worship when I am walking through life in so much pain?"

Does worship equal happiness? Does is always mean the raising of hands and joyous singing and smiles on faces?

I offer up a little something about living with God throughout the dark times and pain--that worship is more than how we conceive it--that maybe it's about walking with God in the every day, acknowledging our pain and grief and knowing that our Father grieves with us.

And then my husband gives better insight: "If Rachel and I didn't go through hard times, how would I ever know that we love each other?"

The light bulb clicks on in my head. The truth of this simple statement echoes into my heart. I know that my disposition tells me to run away from difficult things--to harden my heart or hide or ignore it. I want to run away from difficult conversations with Elliott, but we sit it out. We talk it through. And I always know he loves me, and he always knows I love him.

Isn't it the same with God?

And as we separate our own ideas of worship from the true spiritual act of worship mentioned in Romans 12, I would still encourage us to lift our hands up as a child lifts up her hands to her daddy... as if to say,

"I can't go on any more by myself. Pick me up."

Reposted from September 21, 2010

breathing hallelujah

2011-12-24T05:00:00.002-05:00

I could keep going.
I could.
But I don't.

Instead, I put the tea on and heat up some soy milk.
I grab my best cup and saucer, putting a small square of dark chocolate on the side.
I situate myself on the couch, facing the Christmas tree, adorned with twinkling lights.

I breathe.

I accept the space given to me in this moment...
because so often, I just let these spaces slip right by me,
but today - I take the space.

I breathe.

My mind starts off in a whirlwind - I tell God about my day and all the things I've done and all the things I want to do, and all the things I have yet to do, and memories cloud my brain until there's so much noise-NOISE-NOISE rattling around that my mind has merely forgotten that my body is sitting still.

And it seems like this can sometimes be the season of noise...
if we let it.

But it's not a season for mere noise, but for joyful noise -
for sounds resounding - echoing throughout our lives.

Christ has come.

Christ IS come.

Christ will come again.

I breathe again into the stillness -- in and out --

a simple, a quiet, a truthful -

Hallelujah.

Merry Christmas.

...as though preparing for a newborn baby...

2011-12-23T05:00:00.002-05:00

When we heard we were pregnant, we prepared. We made ready our lives for our little one to arrive. We collected used clothing, we registered for baby items, and we read books and blogs on becoming parents. We prepared because it was the responsible thing to do, but we also prepared for another reason. Even before we knew Gwendolyn's name -- before we knew if she was a boy or a girl -- we loved our baby. And we wanted to express that love in some tangible way. It seems hard to express love to a being that you can neither touch nor see, but we couldn't help ourselves. And so as an act of love towards Gwendolyn, we prepared.

If you've ever prepared for a baby, or have known someone preparing for a baby, you know that such preparations are contagious.

And so it must also be with our preparations for the Lord.

Our preparations for Christ should be just as (and more) contagious as are our preparations for a baby.
Christ came once as a small baby, and though Mary and Joseph prepared for His arrival, no one else really did. We often think of the manger scene with fondness, but have you ever considered the tragedy of the nativity? Here He was! Our King -- our Savior -- come to earth, but where were the trumpets to announce His arrival? Where were His people?

Jesus came to earth as a baby.
And we messed up.
We missed it.

But let's not forget: we have a second chance.

And so -- just as we tangibly prepare for the arrival of an infant -- we must also prepare -- make space in our daily eating-breathing-doing-working lives for our Savior's return.

"The one who endures to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come... Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect."

Matthew 24: 13-14, 44

linking it up: kindred spirits!

2011-12-22T05:00:00.002-05:00

My dear friend, Victoria, wrote a nice little post about our kindred-spirit friendship. She also included some lovely pictures from our last visit together (we usually average one visit per year if that, but this year, we got two in!). I've highlighted her blog before, so it may look familiar to you! She also blogs here, alongside her husband.

(I have known this lovely lady since the second grade!)

Victoria and her husband run a photography business called Shine Like Stars photography. She took the picture that adorns my header of the blog. Please check it out, especially if you live in New Jersey!

WNW: 'Tis the Dry Season: How to heal dry hands

2011-12-21T09:08:00.007-05:00

It's not the cold. It's not the snow. It's not the Christmas lights adorning the homes nor the carols being played on the radio. No. Personally, I always know it's winter by my hands. With the cold, dry air comes hurting, dry hands for this chica. And I know I'm not alone.

It seems that each year, it gets worse and worse. I tried to ignore it at first -- going through tube after tube of hand lotion before it was Spring again and my hands weren't painfully dry any more. But two years ago, working as a barista left my hands victim to harsh hand sanitizers,wicked hot steam, and constant washing. I couldn't ignore the dryness any more because it was just too painful.

So after researching and trying out different methods, I've stumbled upon a strange but foolproof (and natural/easy/cheap) way for keeping my hands soft in the in winter months. I call it...

SOCK HANDS!!!

(Okay, okay. This is really weird. But bear with me. If you've ever had a problem with dry hands, this is definitely worth a try if you're willing to laugh at yourself in the process.)

Basically, what you're going to do is re-introduce your hands to moisture and then lock it in overnight. It's weird, but it works.

Step One: The Warm-Water Soapy Soak

Grab a basin of warm (or hot, depending on what you can stand) soapy water. I use Dr. Bronner's castille soap because it's full of healthy, natural oils (and your hands will greatly benefit from the oil!). If you don't have castille soap, try rubbing a spoonful of olive oil on your hands before soaking them.

Place your hands in the water and soak them for 15-20 minutes (usually I have Elliott talk to me or we watch a few clips on Hulu to let the time pass, since there's not much you can do with your hands soaking in a basin of hot water).

Step Two: Vaseline Is Your Friend

Petroleum jelly is so weird. How in the world does it work so well?? I tried looking it up but I still can't really figure it out. Anyways, get yourself a nice big jar of PJ and rub it all over your hands (YES, I know it's greasy, but trust me!), paying extra attention to dry spots.

Step Three: Sock Hands!!!

So if you have soft, clean, cotton gloves, you can simply put those on over your vaseline-covered hands. But if you are, like me, fresh out of cotton gloves, grab a pair of clean, cotton socks (yup, I'm serious) and cover those hands for the night. Yes, I said for the night. To be honest, I usually wake up in the middle of the night and take them off.

Step Four: Maintenance Through Hand Soap

To keep my hands soft day-in and day-out (and so I don't have to do the Sock Hands method every night), I use my homemade hand soap. It really moisturizes and is super natural. My hands revolt against me whenever I travel somewhere else, so I actually might start traveling with my own soap.

This post will be a part of the weekly link-up at Your Green Resource, so check it out!

I want to be a Mary

2011-12-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. she came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me.;'

"'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'"

Luke 10:38-42

I have read this passage many times, and I have heard many speak on it. I sort of haphazardly filed it away in my head as, "Good Lessons to Know but Not Think About," but didn't take it much to heart. The other day, however, I felt unexpectedly drawn to read this passage. While I was reading, Jesus stopped me in my tracks. I distinctly heard Jesus say (in His very gentle way), "Rachel, Rachel. You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed."

It was a gentle rebuke, but a rebuke nonetheless. I immediately felt ashamed but lifted up at the same time -- my heart aching to do better but softened by the Lord's love for me.

"Yes, yes, Lord -- I know. I know. But how do I do it?

I want so much to be a Mary. I want so much to carve out time to be with my Lord. I want so much to have time carved out to be with others as well -- to open enough time in my schedule to see people at the drop of the hat.

But maybe it's more than that. Maybe it's more than just carving out time and making room in schedules. Because it wasn't as if Mary didn't have things she could have done -- there was plenty to do, for sure -- but instead, she put aside one thing for something else -- the "one thing" that was "needed." She knew what was really important and she didn't let a false sense of urgency dissuade her from that truth.

I want to be a Mary.
I want to sit at my Lord's feet when it's busy.
I want to sit at His feet when it's still.
I want to listen.
I want to open my home even when there's dirt on the floor and dishes in the sink.
I want others to know that they are more important to me than my to-do list.

But how? How do we do that when the to-do list still needs to get done, and we have a responsibility to complete it? How do we remain prudent with our jobs while having time for others and the Lord? How have you been able to balance such things in life?

learning lessons through a child

2011-12-19T11:46:00.000-05:00

I stand in the nursery, my heart pounding. It's less than a week before Christmas, and I'm already feeling the frantic energy that can sometimes overshadow the Christmas spirit with a humbug. Coming back from a restful vacation week is both wonderful and exhausting. It's familiar and peaceful to be back in our own home, but there is tons to do in preparation for Christmas. I feel as though I've been placed on the ground just to start sprinting towards the finish line.

My daughter's cry has drawn me back into the small, darkened room. She needs sleep, and right now she needs me to help her drift off into sleep. Although my spirit feels pulled in every other direction, right now she needs me here.

I offer her quiet verses of Silent Night, allowing them to swirl and dance around the room before slowly bringing my head to meet her furrowed brow. I whisper the verses in her ear as we rest cheek-upon-cheek, and I soak up her tears as her breathing becomes more patterned. My hand lies to rest on top of her chest and I feel the pumpumpum of a little heart underneath my palm, oh-so-different from the ratatapapapum of my own distracted heart. I know there are things to do -- my checklist only growing longer by the minute -- but I stay here a moment longer than she needs me to, and I drink in her stillness.

I thank God for the ways He teaches me about rest through my baby.

Gwendolyn's middle name is Shiloh, which means peace. When we were ruminating over names, God led me to this verse:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.

I do not give as the world gives,

so do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

John 14:27

We have prayed from the beginning (even before she was born) that our little Shiloh would have the peace of the Holy Spirit in her heart and life. God is already answering that prayer. Just a mere six months, Gwenny is living out her name, providing peace even to her mother, who can often get lost in the frantic sway of doing. Through her, God reminds me to Be, especially during the crazy holiday times.

When I seek God and ask Him how I will stay still and keep His peace amidst the Christmas confusion -- how I will keep my eyes on eternity when the immediate is so pressing -- He answers me in an unlikely way: through a child. He has given me a small baby to teach me what is really important in life.

I pray you learn this lesson as well, even in the most unlikely of ways.

"For to us a child is born."

Isaiah 9:6

i cannot deny home

2011-12-17T10:43:00.000-05:00

I just want to sink
my feet
down deep
and feel the dirt crumble between the cracks of small toes
and as my toes expand and extend, I lay down the roots
that I uprooted long ago.

I allow my arms to stretch and reach
up toward the sky like a bad cliche
but I still let myself breathe in cliches
of no place like home and home is where the heart is
as my fingers turn into branches that soak in light
that feeds
and nourishes
and remembers.

And I wonder why it was
that long ago I thought I wanted to leave
and why
I clung on to adolescent dreams
and why
we believe the grass is always greener
and why it is
that it takes leaving a place to know
that you belong where roots can grow.

Certainly there are many places for roots to grow
but I like the nourishment of familiar soil
and memories that feed on familiar places
and the way the sunset hits the trees behind the house when it's getting ready to say
goodnight.

I like mountain views behind highways
and the NYC skyline amidst deer-ruled forests
and the occasional bear family that roams through our garbage
when they think we aren't looking.

I long for crisp October mornings
and the snow that inevitably hits and accumulates
and the knowing paths behind the house
that are still flattened by small innocent feet that have since grown and left.

And I cannot deny
the Irish and Scottish in me that wants me to return
to my home --
to the ground that knows be by name
and carries the songs of my childhood.

I cannot deny
that try as I might
there is no fight against
knowing where you belong.

And so I let my feet feel the crumble of dirt
and stretch up to the sky
pretending that maybe one day
I can let myself grow here again.

it's in the rest that I find You

2011-12-13T09:21:00.000-05:00

This week, I'm taking a break to be with my family. I'm also catching up on some good reads (ie. books, not blogs), watching some classic Christmas movies, and hiking through the woods. Check back next week, or at the end of this week if I just can't stop myself!

I hope you find some rest this week, too! God bless!

changing habits and realigning perspectives

2011-12-09T10:31:00.000-05:00

I've heard it since I was a little girl in Sunday school, and then as a teenager in youth group, as a college student in chapel, and I'm still hearing it as a young adult at my church. You've probably heard it too.

"Start your day right. Before you do anything else, get up early and spend time with God."

Generally, I would brush off these comments. I get up super early as it is to exercise, and surely no one expected me to get up even earlier to read my Bible. I wouldn't be able to focus anyhow. The exercise thing I could handle, because I am immediately thrown into movement, and that wakes me up. But sitting down and reading BEFORE exercise? Not gonna happen.

My time with God has generally shifted with whatever stage in life I am currently living in. When Gwenny was a newborn, I would spend time with God while holding her, or pray at night after putting her to sleep. Now, I generally use the beginning of her morning nap to be with the Lord. Usually, it's a good system. Except on the days that are extremely busy. Or the mornings that don't really go as planned. Or when we have to be out during her first nap. Or if *insert another million possibilities here* happens.

And the thing is, this habit of taking time with God during her first nap won't be something I can carry on through life, because eventually she will grow out of that first nap. And eventually, I will probably be working outside the home again (unless we DO get that little piece of land with chickens and goats and I have to stay home to homestead! Or homeschool, but that's another matter entirely... and I'm pretty sure spare time in the morning won't be an option.). So the habit that I'm forming now won't stick. It won't be consistent.

Seven years ago, when I decided that exercise was important for my health, I made an effort to change my current habits. I started getting up and out to the gym to exercise before I did anything else, because I knew that was the only way I would fit it into my lifestyle, and it was very important to me. I did it when I was pregnant, and I still do it, even with a small baby. If I could make a massive lifestyle change with exercise, shouldn't I also be able (and willing) to do it with God?

This question was set before me while reading through my own comments section. I was both encouraged and challenged by the lifestyle of Tim and his wife:

"My wife and I also try to do prayers together daily, and those were at night for the longest time but we found that we could not stay awake so we decided to do them before the gym. Which means I have been getting up at 4:25 for years now to pray with her and then go to the gym Mon-Fri. She gets up at 4 to do her quiet time first."

So there are people who get up earlier than I do in order to spend time with God. After reading this testimony, I decided that this is something I want to implement into my life. Just like exercise, even though it's really hard to get up so early to do it, I know I won't regret it. My day will be better because of it. My perspective becomes more aligned the earlier I spend time with God.

I want a properly aligned perspective. I want to make a habit that will last, no matter what stage of life I find myself in.

What habits do you want to change to realign your perspective?

What habits have you changed already? How did you see success?

celebrating the "lasts" of last evening

2011-12-08T05:00:00.002-05:00

This was it.

After years upon years of schooling -- after brief flirtations with different graduate programs, from museum studies to acting and finally to secondary teaching -- I had handed in my last (30 paged) paper, thanking my last professor for a last semester well-spent. I was walking out the school doors to freedom.

I'm not really one to celebrate until all is said and done -- in other words (in this instance), until the diploma is actually gripped in my own hand -- and so I resisted the initial urge to splurge on hot chocolate and instead battled my way through the rainy night to come back to home sweet home.

It wasn't until I climbed the stairs and walked into our kitchen to see the pile of dishes awaiting me in the sink that I realized -- Yes. I need to celebrate tonight.

And so as quickly as I walked into the house and took off my vest, hat, and rain boots, I walked back downstairs and put on my vest, hat, and rain boots. I grabbed my keys and walked out the door, welcoming a celebratory night of peppermint hot chocolate (and subsequently -- temporarily -- breaking my no-refined-sugar rule because special occasions just don't count!) and writing.

The mundane and everyday will always be there -- there will be never-ending dishes to wash and dirt to dust and clothes to launder -- but there will only be one last night of graduate school to celebrate.

Last night was my final night as a graduate student. And even though I don't yet have that diploma in hand, I decided to celebrate.

Hot chocolate, you were a great celebratory companion.

revisiting the productive/unproductive battle

2011-12-08T05:00:00.000-05:00

I am distracted by my need to be productive each day.
And by distracted, I mean it literally consumes my thoughts.

It's rough, too, because although I aim to be extremely productive each day, there are certain very important things that are not exactly productive in terms of getting things done. For instance, spending time with God is not exactly productive (well, it is productive in an eternal sense, but not perhaps in a practical "I-need-to-make-the-bed-today" sense).

Why have I always measured my worth by this idea of productivity? Where did I get this from? -- Is it my German background or my American upbringing or both or a combination of those things and a little something else? What does the Bible say about productivity? How does God say I should spend my days?

"Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Be still and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

"Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven."

Matthew 6:20

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself."

Matthew 6:34

"If anyone would be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me."

Matthew 16:24

"'Love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Matthew 22:36-40

"Do all things without complaining and arguing, so that you may remain blameless and pure."

Philippians 2:14

"You must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking... Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

Ephesians 4:17, 24

"Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground...Stand firm."

Ephesians 6:13-14

Judging from (just a small slice of) Scripture, it seems that my own idea of productivity does not come from the Lord. I feel this need to do everything to the best of my ability in order to glorify God.... but to what end, friends? Because in my pursuit to "do everything for the glory of God," I have instead become bogged down by (read: made an idol out of) deadlines and perfectionism. I have made my goal the completion of the thing itself, rather than the glorification of the Lord. So where do I draw the line and take some steps back? When does taking it slower/loving my neighbor/not worrying about the day/etc. do more to glorify God than earning the imaginary gold star for my day? What if I cast down my own ideas of productivity, and replaced them with the Lord's ideas?

It starts by changing habits -- putting God first in every single day -- sacrificing that one extra hour of sleep to awaken to His stillness and come into His presence. And it is indeed a further sacrifice for a productive-junky to choose stillness over constant movement, but I was not made to only make beds, wash dishes, write posts, sing, or teach. I was made to make beds, wash dishes, write posts, sing, and teach for God's glory. I was made to glorify the Father through all things -- and some days, that means glorifying Him by my productiveness for the day, and other days it means glorifying Him through my unproductiveness for the day.

What do you think? Have you wrestled with being productive over spending time with and glorifying the Lord? What have you learned about how God calls you to live each day?

Waste Not Wednesday: The Great No-'Poo Experiment

2011-12-07T05:00:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, I've done it. Completely. Like, I've gone through the whole-icky-transition-phase of this no-'poo thing, and well: I've converted.

But that's the end of my tale. Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to... okay! okay! No musicals!):

I was interested to the no-'poo (that's no-shampoo) method of washing hair when I got Simple Mom's book, Organized Simplicity. I was intrigued, but not convinced. But as I worked my way through the book, having great successes with the oil facial-cleanser, baking soda/coconut oil toothpaste, and borax dishwashing soap, I thought: hey, why not give it a whirl? (I now know why people don't just "give it a whirl" when it comes to no-'poo-ing it, but I'll get to that later.)

First thing's first:

Homemade No-'Poo

(instead of shampoo)

1 tbsp baking soda

1 cup (warm) water

Mix the baking soda with the water in a squeezable container. When showering, work the mix into your hair by starting at the scalp, massaging in circular motions. After six weeks, if your hair is still dry, use less baking soda in the mixture, and do not wash your hair every day. Eventually one to three times a week will be plenty.

Homemade Clarifier

(instead of conditioner)

1 tbsp apple cider vinegar

1 cup (warm) water

Mix the APV and the water in a squeezable container. After using the baking soda mix, work the APV mix into the ends of the hair. Let it sit for a few minutes, then rinse. It's best not to use every day; one to three times a week will be fine.

(Really?? That's all it takes to clean my hair??)

The first time I tried this method was about three or four weeks postpartum. I figured I wasn't getting out much anyways, so if it was a huge failure, no one would have to be subjected to my hair (aside from my housemates and husband). To my surprise, my hair was clean. It was soft... and clean. But it seemed flat and dry. Instead of sticking with it, I thought I'd give it a mediocre review and move on with life.

But then I started reading more and more success stories with the no-'poo method, and I found myself wanting to find out what my natural state of hair would look like (considering I've put it through years of dying and hair-drying, I thought it was the least I could do for it). I was also sold on the ill-effects of shampoo, as it strips our hair and skin of its natural serum. In addition, I've just been way wary these days of buying anything mainstream (seriously, you just never know what sort of (child? slave?) labor you're supporting), and I thought I'd try something cheaper than fancy green-friendly shampoos from the natural market.

Take Two happened a few weeks ago. I tried the every/other approach first: one day washing with the no-'poo method, the next day washing with regular shampoo, etc. Pretty much immediately, I found my hair to be SUPER-DUPER-INTOLERABLY dry after using my regular shampoo. So my hair decided for me: I had to do this thing all-out, or nothing. And since my hair was already getting used to not using shampoo, I went with all-out.

It should be mentioned that I already have a schedule where I only wash my hair every other day. I think that helps in this method, because you really can't wash with baking soda and vinegar every day. Your hair doesn't need it, because you're no longer stripping your hair of its awesomeness (technical term). So when you do this method, wash every other day, and slowly taper off until you're only washing one to three times a week (I haven't gotten to this place yet; I still wash my hair about four times/weekly). You can, however, simply rinse your hair every day. I've done this, and it's pretty amazing how it (sometimes) looks like you've actually washed your hair by simply rinsing.

The bad bit about this whole thing is that many people (*raises hand*) experience a transition or detox phase, in which your hair is just incredibly oily. The thing is that your hair is over-producing serum because the shampoo keeps stripping your hair of its natural oils, so when you switch over, it takes a little while for your hair to stop over-producing. I gotta say that I probably only made it through that week or two by putting my hair in pig tails and um... well, staying at home. It wasn't fun. You have to really push through. My friend, Christina, over at Ecottached gives some tips for getting through the transition phase.

Now? I'm really liking my hair. It's not as dry as it used to be, and it still can be styled with volume. Plus, if I don't blow-dry my hair, it gets really wavy. So, with no further ado, drumroll please......

Rating:

4.5 out of 5 stars

(0.5 taken off for transition phase;

you might take off more if you have a day job)

Have you tried the no-'poo method? What was your experience?

Would you ever try this method, or do you think it's a little too "out there?"

Check Your Green Resource weekly for some great green ideas!!!

an unproductive, productive day

2011-12-06T14:28:00.001-05:00

Today has been an unproductive day.

I have not done the laundry.
I have not swept and mopped the floors.
I have not washed the dishes.
I have barely had time to eat, let alone time to make things to eat.
I have not written the words that I've been wanting to write.
I have not been able to read the news or catch up on blogs.
I have not ordered the Christmas presents.
I have barely had time to answer e-mails. Or comments.
I have not made those important phone calls I swore I'd make today.

But today has also been a productive day.

I fed my baby.
I made sure she had clean diapers to wear.
I sang carols and read rhymes.
I played with little toes and tickled a tiny tummy.
I calmed wild tears due to a stuffy nose.
I attempted to un-stuff said-stuffy nose.
I rocked a wailing baby to sleep.
I watched a beautiful little girl sleep soundly in my arms.
I listened to her breathing.
I prayed with her, and over her.

I thanked the Lord for the chance to be with my baby,

on this unproductive, productive day.

holding out the word of life

2011-12-02T05:00:00.003-05:00

God, I can't do it.
I can't find the words to pray - to write - to express my heart's cry.
I sit here quietly and calmly composed -- just another patron of this local coffee shop -- nothing out of the ordinary. But inside, I am wailing. Weeping. Throwing up my hands and asking for mercy and understanding -- pleading for wisdom for an entire generation.

I want so much for everyone to understand.

...to understand that the road, although narrow, is worth it.

...to understand that the life You have given is full and complete.

I want so much to find the right words.

...loving words.

...gentle words.

...words that build up and do not tear down.

And a part of me wants to shake everyone (including myself sometimes) and just say, "Why don't you SEE it?? This FULL LIFE is right before your very eyes -- within your grasp -- why don't you reach out and grasp it??"

We don't reach out and grasp it
...because the way is difficult.

...because we have cultivated a life for ourselves in which we can barely discern between the world's teachings and Jesus' teachings.

...because right now, it is easier to live for the flesh.

I, too, have fallen victim to the world's enticing. I, too, have called myself a Christian and not followed the teachings of Christ. I have believed that it's okay to live for self, to rely on money, to seek after earthly things. I have believed that life is about the here and now -- about carpe diem! and living without ever wondering, "What if?"

But the carpe diem attitude has left gaping wounds in my soul.

My mind still fights against mistakes and misrepresentations of what it means to be God's child.

I am still doing battle with my past.

And now the "What if's?" have turned into -- "What if I had followed Christ the whole time?" "What if I had obeyed from the beginning?" "What if I had taken the responsibility of being a Christian seriously?"

How could my life have been different if I had just let God transform me from the very beginning?

I try not to dwell in these "What if's?" because what's done is done. I cannot go back. And God can redeem even the worst parts of my past to bring Him glory -- and I have witnessed Him doing so through the hopeful tears of a college student girl who feels like no one in the world understands her struggles.

I understand.

I have been there.

But I do not want you to have to be there.

I do not want you to have to go through what I have gone through.

I want you to experience the life I now experience -- the peace and love of the Lord that infiltrates every bit of my life.

Philippians 2:15-16 says I am to shine like a star in the universe as I hold out the word of life.

This is me holding out the word of life to you.

I do not just live and breathe it. I want to offer it.

Please reach out and grasp it -- grasp the beautiful reality --

that God has made you.
that He loves you. Adores you. Thinks you're pretty awesome.
that He wants to dance with you.
that He is so holy and there is nothing you can do to earn your way into His presence.
but that it's okay, because He sent His Son to take our place. And since the Son and the Father are one, this means that the Living God came down to us as a baby -- the lowliest of the low -- and put Himself in our place.
because we do not deserve eternal life and God's favor, because we have fallen short. We mess up, time and time again.
but if you confess that you have no business coming to the Father out of your own merit, that you are a hopeless sinner and need Jesus to cover you before the Lord, and if you make this God of the universe LORD of your life (and that means all of it), that you will be saved.
and right now -- RIGHT NOW AS YOU LIVE ON EARTH -- your life will forever be transformed.

But hey. I can't say it better than my buddy Paul:

"But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood -- to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished -- he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. Where then, is boasting? It is excluded. Because of what law? The law that requires works? No, because of the law that requires faith. For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law."

Romans 3:21-28

Get ready for a wild ride.

It's not easy, but it is so worth it.

Please. Take my word for it. I am living, breathing proof of the transformation Christ offers. It's not fluff. It's not brainwashing.

It's real living.

doing the mommy dance

2011-12-01T05:00:00.000-05:00

We sit in a circle in the library -- indian-style on the floor -- holding onto our little ones while stealing bashful smiles at other babies. We barely make eye contact, not wanting to tread on personal space.

Instead, the babies do it for us. They inch towards one another with clumsy crawls, uninhibited smiles, and small reaches of the hand. They do not shirk away from looking a stranger straight in the eyes, and we secretly envy their innocent gumption.

We let the babies share their toys, make their faces at one another, and we laugh at their antics -- usually just to ourselves, in our own safe bubble of private space.

But then -- a question is ventured:

"How old is she?"

An answer comes, and then the question is thrown back.

With that, the dance partners are chosen.

Then -- another question emerges:

"What's her name?"

And from this second dance step, we feel comfortable enough to talk about nap times and the difficulty of making our way to play group in the first place -- about milestones and feeling fortunate to be home with the baby "for now, at least -- but that could change."

As we leave, we tentatively gauge distances from each other -- testing the waters for a potential friendship. We ask the mommy-version pickup lines, such as, "Do you live around here?" and maybe even, "So... do you come here often?"

Before the door opens and we step out to leave, perhaps this social dance has gone so well as to ask for numbers and e-mails -- to possibly set up a future time for play-dates and much-needed SAHM socialization. And then finally, the realization --

"Oh - what's your name, by the way?"

-- because it's always a vital dance step to realize that we only made it so far as to ask for the babies' names. We simultaneously feel foolish but smile the understanding smile that communicates: yes, in fact, our children are taking over our identities. At least, part of the time.

We conclude with waves -- both from and to each other, as well as from and to the babies -- and politely say grownup things like, "Okay, take care!" and, "Nice meeting you!" before heading off on our separate paths home, waiting until next week to begin the mommy dance all over again.

Waste Not Wednesday: A Novice Gardener Gets Winter-Ready

2011-11-30T05:00:00.000-05:00

What's the opposite of a green thumb? Whatever it is, that's what I have. Seriously, I could probably put all of your non-green-thumbs to shame. I kill things that just shouldn't die. Like every cactus I have ever come into contact with.

Given my track record, I never once thought I would want/have a garden. But now that we have this house with so much yard space, it seems absolutely silly not to have a garden. Plus, I love any excuse that keeps me outdoors and active. So as soon as we moved in, I vowed to plant a vegetable garden come Spring.

(This is my "bit of earth" -- the plot of land I intend to turn into a thriving vegetable garden!)

What I didn't realize was that it's important to get that Spring garden ready for the winter. I thought I would share what I've learned with you, and maybe you'd be able to give me some tips as well.

Step One: Clean Up

Apparently, it's actually super important to clean up your garden before the first frost hits. Thankfully, we've had a super mild fall (except for that freak snowstorm in October, but I'd say that was a fluke considering it's currently 63 degrees outside). This means removing all stones, weeds, leaves, etc. from your garden. My mother-in-law also taught me to cut any plants you want to keep down to the plant. We have some nice plants out front (not vegetable plants, just pretty flowery plants), so I cut away all the deadness and superfluousness and now it's ready to revitalize itself in the spring.

Getting rid of the dead/rotting stuff in the garden helps to keep pesky bugs away because you won't give them much reason to stick around. It also removes the possibility of disease from your future plants. So step one in getting your garden winter-ready is cleaning up!

(Here's an important question for all you experienced gardeners: How do I safely remove poison ivy from my garden plot, and how do I safely dispose of it? I honestly have no idea. I will look around online and all, but I would love to hear your tried-and-true methods, because I need to play it safe -- especially since I'll be working on clearing out the garden while also watching babykins.)

Step Two: Ready the Soil

After cleaning up the garden, it's time to think about readying the soil. There are a number of things that can be done. If you've planned far-enough-ahead (which I haven't...obviously...it being almost-December and all), planting a cover crop to grow in the soil over the winter will keep the soil nutritious. To be honest, I don't know much about it, but it sounds interesting. You can read about it in detail here. For something a little faster and more convenient, one site recommends covering the location with cardboard/newspaper, and then putting rich soil over it. Apparently, this kills weeds and enriches the soil. For real. That's crazy, as in crazy-awesome.

Personally, I'm going to prepare the soil by starting a compost. I have yet to decide whether I will buy a compost bin or just set one up in the backyard. Any suggestions? I'll update you on the composting in a separate post once I get things under way.

Step Three: Get Your Gear

During the winter months, make sure you have all your gardening gear in order. Is everything sharpened? Shined? Easily accessible? Do you need to buy anything else? Keep a list and start checking out some local thrift stores over the winter months.

Since I've literally JUST STARTED this whole gardening-thing, here's what I have:

Alright. What else should I invest in??

Step Four: Plan It Out

Decide what types of vegetables you want to plant, and plan out when and where to plant them. Since I don't know much about vegetable gardening, I'm not sure where to begin on this one, other than dream of planting tomatoes and squashes and kale. If you have any suggestions on the best things to start with, please comment and let me know!

(Part of my plan is to wear these spiffy boots whenever it rains. That's all I've got so far.)

Step Five: The Ultimate Game Plan Against Your Garden's Arch Nemesis

Come up with a game plan in case your garden gets attacked. I know for a fact that my garden's arch nemeses are the squirrels that lurk about these parts. We couldn't even leave our pumpkins outside without them succumbing to the wrath of the squirrels. If you've gardened before, how have you dealt with such troubles as squirrels and bugs wreaking havoc on your precious plants?

My sources - and some great links to get you started:

Composting

eHow - Getting Your Vegetable Garden Ready

LifeHacker - Getting Your Garden Ready for Winter

Preparing Your Garden Plot

Vegetable Garden Basics

what I have learned in the discipline of stillness

2011-11-29T10:17:00.000-05:00

Busyness is (one of) my idol(s).
A frantic spirit is my drug.
I am addicted. Enslaved. I cannot let it go or give it up.
I don't know how.

Even in prayer, I have found myself frantically checking off my list -- pray for this, thank Him for that -- as if prayer is another way to feel accomplished in my day.

This is not what God wants for me -- for His children.
It is not how He asks me to live; it is not the fullness of life He has promised to me.

I easily fall prey to the busy idol that our culture upholds. But it is not the way of God.

He does not ask me to "fit Him in" in the midst of a swirling schedule.

God asks me to be still and know Him.

So recently -- and by recently, I mean over the last few months -- God has convicted my busy heart and frantic spirit. He wants to put an end to its rule in my life. I have wanted to see its end as well. Instead of coming before Him each day with a pen, ready to check off the next Bible chapter read and prayer prayed, I come before Him in silence.

I sit.
I am still.
Quiet.
I listen.
I quiet my frantic mind that tries to burst in.
I am stilled by Him.
I strain again to listen.

Will He say something to me? I wonder each day.

In my life, I have definitely experienced the voice of God speaking to me -- very audible and unmistaken to me, although quite silent to others. I figured when I started this discipline of silence, I would begin to hear from the Lord more and more.

I waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

I haven't heard Him.
But I have heard from Him.
And I have learned a few things in the process of being still.

I have learned that following God's convictions does not mean that we will see the results we think we will, but the blessings we will get will be exactly what God wants for us. He will work in our hearts and give us faith like a child. He will renew us and restrengthen us and give us His peace (the one that surpasses all understanding, you know?).

I have also learned that it is difficult to be still. It is difficult to quiet a mind that races -- a mind that has been 27-years-conditioned to the way of the world. These are habits that need to break, and so I cannot give up because it's hard or because I just don't think I will ever be able to do it (and I won't be able to do it, which is exactly why I must continue to give myself over to the Lord).

You see, God hasn't been "speaking" to me -- not the way I assumed He would. Instead, God has slowly let peace rule in my heart on even the most frantic of days. God has allowed me to read His Word with a newfound vigor and understanding. He has opened my eyes to the reality of the whole situation -- you know, the reality of the Gospel and Christ's eventual return. It's honestly like I've been reading the Scriptures for the very first time -- like a child's discovery -- and I get to wonder at chapters and verses I have read hundreds of times before.

I have (re-)learned that God is real, and He still transforms my life.

Twin Tales: Brain Explosion

2011-11-26T09:00:00.000-05:00

To begin, some background: Micah and Titus are my twin nephews.

This is Titus:

He's sweet. He thinks that dentists go to work to spin around.

This is Micah:

He's also sweet. He thinks ... well, you'll see what he thinks later on in the post.

Also, it's important to note that the twins say, "Yeh," to everything. Not "Yeah," but "Yeh." For instance, if you ask them if they are dinosaurs, they will say, "Yeh."

Part One, Tales from the Brain of a Two-Year-Old

Elliott: Micah, do you know what a brain is?

Micah: Yeh.

Elliott: What is it?

Micah: What is it?

Elliott: No, I'm asking you - what is it? Titus, do you know what a brain is?

Titus: Yeh.

Elliott: What is it?

Titus: *blank stare, slightly nervous and quiet* ...it's like a.... it's kinda like a truck.

Elliott: Did you think I said train?

Titus: Yeh.

Elliott: No, not a train, Titus -- a brain. Do you know what a brain is?

*silence*

Elliott: Alright, well do you know where your brain is?

*silence*

Elliott: It's the thing behind your eyeballs. Have you ever wondered what's behind your eyeballs?

Micah (excitedly): YEH!

Elliott: You have not, Micah!

Part Two, Tales from Thanksgiving

Micah (to Elliott): Where's your friend?

Elliott: My friend?? Who are you talking about?

Micah: Gwendolyn.

Elliott: Micah, do you think Gwendolyn is my friend?

Micah: Yeh.

Elliott: Micah, Gwendolyn is my daughter! I'm her daddy.

Micah: You're not daddy!

Elliott: Yes, I am! I'm Gwendolyn's daddy. You know everyone has a daddy, right?

Micah: Uh-huh.

Elliott: Who's your daddy?

Micah: *points to his daddy*

Elliott: Who's Gwendolyn's daddy?

Micah: *points to Elliott*

Elliott: Who is your daddy's daddy?

Micah: Huh?

Elliott: Papa is your daddy's daddy.

Micah: ...yeh.

Elliott: Papa is my daddy-in-law.

Micah: *blank stare to indicate slight brain explosion*
Micah: *crumbles into a ball on the couch* Blaaaaaahahhghghghghhhh!

Elliott: I broke my nephew.

(You can read more about my adorable nephews at their mama's blog here.)

how the baby teaches me about the God of comfort

2011-11-25T05:00:00.000-05:00

As soon as we leave -- that's when the crying starts.
Unconsolable, uncontrollable sobbing.

It doesn't matter how much I tell her that we'll be back -- that she's in good hands -- that we love her.
I pray with her, I hold her, I kiss her tiny little head.
"It's okay, sweetie." I croon. "We'll be back very soon."

All of it is quickly forgotten (or perhaps never understood in the first place), which is evident from the hysterics that happen as soon as we shut the door. As soon as we're out of sight, it's as if her world crumbles before her. No one can comfort her but mom and dad.

It makes me wonder -- do I do the same thing?
As soon as I can't "feel" God or sense His presence -- do I think He has forsaken me?

It's different, of course. I understand that. When we are out at the theatre, we cannot hear her crying. In fact, I have to force my brain not to think of her because I will worry so much about how she is doing and beg my husband to turn the car around so I can scoop my baby up and rock her to sleep. This isn't the case with God. God never closes the door so He can no longer hear me. He always hears my cries, and is always there to rock me to sleep -- to comfort -- if I will let Him.

But if He doesn't come back to comfort me in the exact way I want to be comforted, do I succumb to the fear that He has left me?

Do I cry in a hysterical fit?
Do I refuse comfort from others?
Do I just block Him out?
Do I forget all the other times He has come back to scoop me up?

But I am starting to see the recognition in her eyes when we leave, and the joy when we return -- she is starting to be calm for longer periods of time when we are away -- and each time we leave, she is given more confidence that we will be coming back to her.

So am I learning, just like my little one is learning?

Am I trusting Him?

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort."

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Why Thanksgiving Is My Favorite Holiday

2011-11-24T05:00:00.000-05:00

No expectations. Just family, and friends that are basically just family.

And food. And sharing.

Opening up homes. Good conversation. Remembering to be thankful.

Pies.

These are the reasons why I love Thanksgiving.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas and Easter. But the thing is, the reason we celebrate Christmas and Easter are the same reasons I live and breathe and write and sing and dance. It takes up my entire life. Every day is a remembrance of Christmas and Easter. But Christmas and Easter in America have been usurped, and it's hard for me to disconnect from the allure of presents under the Christmas tree (just being honest!).

But when it comes to Thanksgiving, there is nothing to usurp or spoil. It's simply time to be with family and share a meal together, voicing our thankfulness. There's something so pure about it that cannot be paralleled. No matter where I have been for Thanksgiving (even in Oxford!) or with whom (even without the immediate family!), this holiday has always been a glorious celebration of RELATIONSHIPS.

I simply love it.

And I hope you do, too!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

WNW Saving Time Edition, Part 2: You Want Me to Exercise When, Exactly??

2011-11-23T05:00:00.000-05:00

Since 'tis the season, I thought it might be nice to devote a couple of posts to saving time. If you missed last week's post, it was all about getting things on your to-do lists done in a more efficient manner. Today, I thought we'd devote a little attention to the E-word.

(...and since this post is actually about SAVING time, if you don't have time to read this, skip to the end of the post for the basic points...)

Now, I gotta be upfront here: I LOVE exercising. I hate sitting still. Anything that gets me moving -- whether it be a walk, a bike ride, or even just housework -- makes me very happy. So the reality is that I go out of my way to exercise because it gives me sanity.

I know not everyone loves to exercise, but it's so important to stay active. But if you're like everyone else in America, you're busy doing **insert crazy-busy-lifestyle here**, so it's hard to find the time, energy, and motivation. I wanted to share a few tips in hopes that you might be inspired to fit it in!

As far as I can tell, there are three main issues/excuses people have with regards to exercising:

"I don't enjoy exercising."

"I don't have time to exercise."

"I don't have energy to exercise."

The Enjoyment Issue: The biggest secret to getting good exercise is finding something you absolutely love doing. If you're not really sure where to start, search for different things on YouTube. Maybe it's yoga or pilates or dancing. Maybe it's something as simple as running. Maybe you need to be outdoors, and hiking or biking is your thing. Maybe you need to be a part of a group, so check out a local gym for different classes. Personally, I like... um. Everything. But my favorite things are running, yoga, and the bootcamp at my gym. I find I like anything that stretches my limits because it helps to keep my mind/body interested in the task-at-hand. I also really love hiking and biking, but I just don't get the chance to do them that often any more (it's a time/location issue. I biked everywhere when we lived in the city; now, not so much).

The Time Issue: Once you find something you really enjoy, finding time might become an easier thing. But just in case it's not, here are a few suggestions:

Getting Up *gasp* Earlier: If exercising is to become a priority, and if you find something that's worth getting up for in the morning, then sacrifice that extra hour of sleep (or go to bed earlier). Even if it's a half-hour earlier, it will be worth it. Once it becomes a habit, you won't even really think about it. I started getting up early about five years ago. Yes, it was hard. And yes, sometimes it's still hard, and yes, it's a sacrifice. But the benefits are worth it. I have more energy throughout the day. I make better choices with food (neither eating too much or too little, but I think about food as fuel for my body). And it's become ingrained in me. My body just wants to move. I crave movement when I spend too many days sitting still.

Working Out Smarter, NOT Longer: Alright. Listen up. The reality is that I know you probably don't have the time to work out 5-7 days a week. I used to work out at least 5 days a week, but I'm a mom now. It doesn't happen. I aim for 3 days of vigorous exercise a week and 1 day of yoga. If I get more in (I rarely do), then yay! If I don't get all those days in, then whatever. But the trick to working out less days is to work out smarter. Think about what your fitness goals are, and write them out. Maybe you want to lose a few pounds to be healthier, or tone muscle, or build endurance. Goals help you stay focused and motivated (sometimes signing up for a race is good motivation!). Find a way to turn the workout into interval training. When I was working out 5 days/weekly for an hour at each session, I sort of got into a lazy routine and did the same thing every time. Once your muscles get used to a routine, they stop working hard. Your muscles become bored and lazy too. What you have to do is confuse your muscles.

Basically, just try to work in fast-paced cardio with multiple/simultaneous-muscle-building exercises. Do it in bursts, and then repeat it -- again and again -- until you either are about to collapse or until your time is up (some days, it's 20 minutes; other days, it's 60 minutes). I'll give you some examples...
For Running: Instead of just putting the treadmill on for a safe tempo run, I might up the incline and run sprints every two minutes, and repeat until 30 minutes is up. Or I might keep the incline level and just sprint as hard as I can for five minutes, take a one minute walk, and then do it again four times or so. My muscles don't really know what's going on and they have to work harder (which means more muscle tone built and more calories burned throughout the day).
For Yoga: Instead of going through the same flow that I know in and out, I'll go through sun salutations pretty rapidly, while breaking in between a flow of five salutations to work on the positions that I have trouble with (uugggggh eagle pose!!! How I despise you!). It also helps to focus on balancing poses, because it is working pretty much every muscle group at the same time.

Work Around Your Life Situation: Do you work? Take a walk during your lunch break. Are you home with the baby? Invest in a jogging stroller. Or just go outside and take a walk with a regular stroller. Or try doing some exercise indoors -- the baby might just be entertained!

The Energy Issue: I know you might not have energy now, but if you get decent sleep and eat well, exercise will increase your energy level. Please take it from the girl who still gets up for 3 AM feedings with the baby and then gets up to make it to the gym by 5:30 am. Okay? If I can do it and it increases my energy, YOU can do it and you will get that energy! It's also super important to make sure you are fueling your body in the right way, otherwise you won't be getting the energy boost. In order to eat well throughout the day, take into mind these considerations:

Eating six smaller meals a day will increase your energy, help your metabolism burn energy in a more efficient way, and decrease your hunger. It looks different for every person, but it just means eating healthy snacks in between smallish meals. A typical day for me might be:

Breakfast: Oatmeal, NF Yogurt, Frozen Berries
Snack: Apple and Cheese
Lunch: Big Salad w/ Homemade Dressing, Tofu in a Rice Wrap with Salsa and NF Sour Cream
Snack: Banana and Peanut Butter
Dinner: Chickpea Patties with Homemade Tzaziki Sauce on GF Bun, Broccoli
Dessert: Fruit (I like frozen mango for dessert.)

Getting your portion sizes right (as well as the right proportions!) will help you from feeling either sluggish or ravenous. I forget what the exact recommendations are, but here's what I do to stay satisfied (and this is coming from many trials and errors at healthy eating): I first fill my plate at least half-full with vegetables, and vegetables only. Then I split the remaining half in two, and fill one of those halves with protein, and the other half with a whole grain.

Okay, okay -- yeah, I know. That was just a lot of information. And do you really have time to sift through this post and figure it out? No! Absolutely not! You should be cooking/eating turkey/exercising instead of reading this post! So to sum it up...

Get Up Earlier
Work Out Smarter, NOT Longer (think: intervals!! and muscle confusion!)
Eat to Fuel Your Body

And viola! Look at you! You just found time to exercise!

Broad Street Run 2010

(Don't let the smiles fool you. I was pooped. We ran in 94 degree weather after having trained in early-spring 65-70 degree weather. It was definitely a challenge, but totally worth it. I was eight months pregnant for BS2011, so I had to skip out -- looking forward to 2012!!!)

A Dose of the Un-Serious (and yes, there is squash involved)

2011-11-21T20:30:00.000-05:00

There are some things I thought you should know about me --
-- not because they are important to know, but mainly because they take up my time -- whether it be physically in space, or mentally in the brainpan.

Also, I sat down to write today and I just don't have it in me to write anything serious.

So how about a dose of un-serious (non-serious?) Rachel?

Alright. Here we go.

1) The "Squash" Thing: Ok. I admit it. I have a strange new obsession with squashes. It all started when I saw a bunch of squashes on sale at the local market for $0.99 each. Naturally, I sent Elliott out to get as many squashes (or, as he likes to say, sqaushii) as he wanted with as much variety as possible. So he came home with -- as my friend Lauren likes to say -- a herd of squashes. So. Meet my herd of squashes:

(Alright, so I know the middle one is a pumpkin. But a pumpkin is kind-of like a squash, right? Or is it legitimately a squash? Does anyone know?)

(Oh, this is also important to note: I had already cooked three squashes before taking this photo. So three of them didn't make it in here, including this turban squash:)

(RIP, turban squash.)

If you have yet to discover the joy of squash-cooking, may I recommend that you go out right now and buy up all the squash in your grocery store? Seriously. You'll thank me later when you've known the pleasure of eating an entire casserole-type meal out of your very own squash. And saving the leftovers is a cinch - just put that top back on for some old-school tupperware!

2) The "School" Thing: OHMYGOSHIAMALMOSTDONEWITHSCHOOL!!!! For-reeeeeeealz, folks. This has been a long. time. coming. I feel like I've been a professional student since age four. So after graduating college, I sort of spent all my time in auditions, plus auditioning for grad schools, before finally landing a free ride to Villanova for acting. Then after going ~~slightly~~ crazy (not hyperbole), I decided to jump ship and entered into a master's program for education. And I will be done in three weeks! But what this means is when I'm not blogging, commenting on other blogs, doing chores, reading, or playing with beloved babygirl, I am in class, sort of looking like this:

(Dudes, I am done with school.)

Or I am writing my final paper, sort of looking like this:

(Dudes, I am done writing papers.)

(I'm ready to assign those papers!)

So I've kind of been scrambling to get that paper done.

3) The "Procrastination" Thing: Speaking of writing that paper, can I just admit to succumbing to procrastination this semester? And can I also say that I've never procrastinated on an assignment before in my life? I ~~blame~~ thank the baby for this new trait, because she helps me see what's important. I could sort of use a little procrastination in my life. But now I really have to write that paper.

4) The "Campus Ministry" Thing: I also "do" campus ministry with my husband ("doing" campus ministry means a lot of chatting, praying, and Bible-reading over coffee... or dirty chais. And if you don't know what a dirty chai is, go to your local coffee shop right now and order one. But make sure you want to be awake for the next twelve hours. Oh, and you're welcome.). We *try to* blog about it here, so check it out. But that also takes up some time. I really love those college students.

5) The "Existential" Thing: Sometimes I get way into the reality of everything. I don't know how to explain it other than I could be doing something as simple as washing my hands, and I'll start to think about how my life will someday end and the world will someday end, and I'll be hit with this absurd sort of clarity of the whole situation of mankind, and then I'll remember I'm just washing my hands and I'll force myself to stop thinking about such things. Because honestly, it hurts my brain... mainly because I can't put it into words, and that frustrates me. At that point, I might put on The Shins and dance about whilst cleaning the kitchen. Um. No lie. And people don't use the word "whilst" enough any more, so I'm bringing it back, okay? (P.S. to #5: Kierkegaard is awesome. You should read him sometime, and also read some background on him.)

6) The "Re-enactment" Thing: I grew up re-enacting the Revolutionary War. Isn't that cool??? Okay, so I know it's, um, technically "dorky" by the majority of the population, but as a kid, I thought it was really cool. And as a grown-up, I am so thankful my brother and father brought me into it because I got to live out history. What better way is there for a kid to dive into their heritage, huh? It also probably sparked my love for acting. I don't have any pictures of me as a kid dressed up, but here's a picture of my dad reading The Declaration of Independence:

(He does this every year for hundreds of people! He's so cool!)

(P.S. I love my dad.)

(P.P.S. HI DADDY!!!)

(P.P.P.S. You see that really awesome manor place in the background? I used to work there. It was my first job. I gave tours. And catalogued/preserved an old library. It was one of the greatest jobs ever.)

7) The "Renaissance" Thing: Oh, and I also worked for the Renaissance Faire. Yes. I am that dorky. But before you cast more judgement, wouldn't you work for the Renaissance Faire if it meant you got to dress up, speak in an English accent, and play with swords for 10+ hours a day??? Um. Yes. Yes, you would. This is me as Maid Marian:

(I got captured. Don't worry, I eventually escaped. The good guys always win.)

(Oh yeah. Except that one time I became the evil Sheriff at the end of the day. But, uh, we don't talk about that time.)

8) The "Potato" Thing: I think potatoes are funny. And yummy in whatever form they take.

9) The "Dinosaur" Thing: I am really obsessed with dinosaurs. So obsessed that my bridal shower had dinosaur table centers. So obsessed that Gwendolyn got more dinosaur stuffed animals than any other normal stuffed animal. So obsessed that I watch Jurassic Park every single year. I mean. C'mon. Those things were real. How could I not be obsessed??

10) The "Baby" Thing: Oh, #10 was just an excuse to show you this:

What about you?

Any funny/interesting things about yourself you'd like to share?

rooting out the worrying worm

2011-11-18T05:00:00.000-05:00

It lodges itself in my center of centers like a worm, slowly eating its way through the dirt inside me. I feel it curl up in my stomach, a familiar indigestion takes over and burns my belly. I know when the worm comes back by the way I start picking at my cuticles -- creating wounds where there weren't wounds before -- mindlessly self-inflicting pain on my dry and hurting hands.

How does anxiety manifest itself in such physical ways?
And why does it seem to like my body as a resting place?

I have spent years battling with it, and yet it always returns. Always familiar and still always slightly different. A new twist on an old, worn-out song. But I don't want to do this dance any more -- worrying about tomorrow when I need to focus on finishing out the current day. Yet somehow, it creeps in -- worming its way inside me and wiggling around until I finally (consciously) pay attention to it.

Yes! I hear you! I feel you! When will you leave me alone and let me live in a semblance of peace?

I do my best to calm my spirit -- to still my busybody mind. But I can't do it.
At least, not alone.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

There are so many verses in the Bible that deal with worrying and being anxious (I guess it's not a problem specific to me?), but I love how Paul's letter to the Philippians gives us some clear ways for dealing with the anxiousness that could eat away at us. Pray -- supplicate -- and give thanks.

How often do we give thanks to the Lord while we are in great angst? How would our prayers change? How would our mindsets change?

And the promise given is beyond comforting because it is transformative. The peace of God surpasses all understanding, and that is the peace we should long for -- a peace that will root out the worrying worm inside our bellies and transplant itself in the core of our souls. That's the peace I want -- a peace that cannot come with hours of yoga or singing or writing or massages or bubble baths or just ignoring the world -- a peace that I can do nothing about, but can only ask for and receive.

Blog Highlight: but now to live the life

2011-11-17T05:00:00.002-05:00

Next in our Blog Highlight series is but now to live the life.

Content: The Goodfellows are a family who uprooted their comfortable lives in California to live amongst the poor in Peru. This blog has tracked their journey from the beginning to the everyday NOW. In Peru, they are starting a program called Krochet Kids, which is providing jobs to women who would otherwise have no options. Besides documenting the mission of KKp (and giving insight to the women who make it possible), Sarah updates us on her family -- from birthdays to visiting the States to living with a little less than most.

Style: She writes beautifully -- with clarity, conviction, and wit. Each post is artfully crafted with accompanying pictures, making you feel as though you are part of their mission in Peru.

Frequency: The blog is updated about three times per week.

Don't Miss: Supporting the women in Peru by buying a hat!

WNW - Saving Time Edition, Part 1: Making the Most of Your To-Do List

2011-11-16T05:00:00.001-05:00

(Guess what, friends! There are more WNW posts popping up on the internet! Imitation is the best form of flattery, right? Keep an eye out for other people joining in on the Wednesday fun as we all attempt to do our part to limit our wastefulness!)

In light of the busy season (anyone else choking up with anxiety at the thought of Thanksgiving in ~~two~~ one weeks? -- followed by finishing graduate school, sending out newsletters, Christmas cards, and oh yeah- CHRISTMAS SHOPPING?, traveling, etc. etc.? - Ok, breathe, Rachel...), I decided to do us all a favor and dedicate a few Waste Not Wednesday posts to saving time.

I am all about efficiency and getting things done.
I have a feeling you are, too.

The reality is that we all have to troubleshoot different methods to find the method that works in our own schedules. I have a different life than your life, so my suggestions might not make sense. Certainly, when I worked full time, things around the house sort of fell to the wayside -- one, because I had no time or energy, and two, because I didn't have a system. I have since come up with a system -- no matter what the day's to-do list holds.

Here are my tips for making the most of your to-do list, in hopes that it will exude efficiency.

1) The Top Three Rule: A while back, someone told me about an important person (don't you love my sources here?) who said he only put three things on his to-do list each day. The theory is that people can only do three things each day really well. My own theory is that three things is an achievable goal, so I will actually get MORE done by giving myself only three things to do. Each day my to-do list includes at least a dozen items on it, but I highlight the top three.

If I can get the top three done, I feel like it's been a good day.

The Top Three Rule also grants me room to give myself grace. Sometimes the top three items I assign to myself just won't get done that day, so I move stuff around. Maybe I'll mop the floors tomorrow and just organize the shoe closet today, or something else. Maybe I'll just read that post I've been wanting to read, or open that letter that's been sitting on my table for two days. Whatever it is, I promise myself to get three things done.

And the other bonus to this self-imposed rule is sometimes I get many more things done. Maybe I'll actually get five or ten things done on the list. When that happens, I celebrate (maybe with a big mug of hot chai or by eating that gluten-free chocolate chip cookie that was number eight on my list!).

2) Scheduling: For me, consistency is key. Each day of the week is allotted for specific tasks. For instance, Monday is cook-a-really-cool-meal day (ya know, the kind that take ALL day to cook) as well as family day (we work in ministry, so weekends are out for us). Tuesday (by far, my freest day of the week as far as appointments go) is laundry/sweeping/mopping day. Wednesday is library/homework/class day. Thursday is bathroom-cleaning/stocking-up-on-homemade-cleaners/odds-and-ends day. And so on and so forth.

I started scheduling my major chores because I used to get overwhelmed by the mess, think of all the many things I had to do to clean it, and just panic and cry. Now, if I notice the floor is gathering some dust and I don't have time to clean it (or don't have guests coming over), I can just tell myself, "You'll clean that on Tuesday!" and go on with my day. It's removed SO much stress from my life, and I think I'm a more efficient chore-doer.

3) Multitasking: Before I go into multitasking, let me just say that I am not a multitask-er by nature. It really overwhelms my brain to do too much at once. I can't even have a conversation with someone if my brain is on another thought -- I have to finish my first thought before I can enter into a new conversation. But I've learned the art of multitasking in the home.

My sister-in-law once said to me that she's never cooking just one thing in the oven. If she's making some muffins for the day, she'll probably be throwing in the potatoes for tomorrow's dinner. This is so smart, and I've sort of applied it to my entire life. So it's laundry day, right? I'll throw the laundry in the wash, and start sweeping in the meantime. If Gwendolyn is awake and needs to be entertained, I'll probably put the broom down, stick her in the high chair, and narrate my dinner prep (with crazy voices and faces -- you know, whatever it takes to make her smile and giggle). Once she's back down again for sleep, I finish sweeping and mopping just in time for the laundry to get done. I usually fold laundry while Gwenny's awake because she tends to be entertained by the clothes. It's just a matter of being able to do a couple of chores at the same time.

So those are my best suggestions for making the most of your to-do list (or, at least the ones that work for me). Notice how I only have three things here?? I'd love to hear how you use your time efficiently -- whether it's at home, in school, on the job, or wherever!

Stay tuned next week for WNW Saving Time Edition, Part 2: You Want Me to Exercise When, Exactly??

musings from a SAHM

2011-11-15T10:01:00.000-05:00

(Can I just preface this post with another disclaimer about how I NEVER thought I would be a SAHM? So when I muse about what it's like, I feel like I'm like an anthropologist studying a different culture that I'm not really a part of. Okay, I know I actually AM a part of it now, but honestly, for so much of my life, I didn't think staying-at-home was an option, so I'm a newbie. It's all very strange as I discover more and more what it means. So... yeah.)

Sometimes, you just have to stay in your pajamas.
...because you wake up feeling achey and tired.
...because just getting out of bed is almost enough.
...because the mountain of laundry is ever-growing and it's just more comfortable to fold while wearing your PJs.
...because you have a feeling it's going to be a snuggle day with the little one.
...because sometimes, you just need to give yourself a break.

And sometimes, you just have to put on clothes.
...because it's the best motivator for a productive day.
...because at the drop of a hat, you could actually go outside for a walk.
...because why else do you have all those clothes?
...because you just did the laundry yesterday and your favorite pants are clean again and BY GOLLY you are going to get the best use out of them. (Yes, I just said "BY GOLLY." And no, I am not a Peanuts character.)
...because even though you know no one else will see you, it makes YOU feel better.

Today is a PJ day for me. What about you??

A Prayer: Let It Be

2011-11-15T09:45:00.000-05:00

Thank you for the stillness --
for helping me to want the stillness -- and to want Your presence and Your Word. God, you know how hard it has been for me to get into this habit. Please. Please help me to want it long enough so that the habit becomes like breathing -- that it becomes wedged into my life so permanently that I couldn't imagine a day without You.

Let it be, Lord.

Thank you for listening to our prayers --
for loving us -- for wanting to spend time with us. Thank you for not only being mindful of us but for showering us with good things. Please be with the people who suffer around the world, especially those who cling to you -- give them tangible encouragement and help them identify spiritual blessings. Please give them assurance that their family around the world is praying for them, even if we cannot do anything to let them know. But please also show us if there is ever a way to let them know.

Let it be, Lord.

Thank you for the Gospel --
for incarnational ministry that You started by coming in human form to be with us. Immanuel. Thank you, Lord, for being "God with us." Thank you for giving us a way to be with You -- the only way that makes sense -- that Jesus Christ took on human flesh to conquer the sins of all humanity in order that we might be saved. But God -- there are so many who still do not know -- who still see "the message of the cross as foolishness" -- please move in their hearts. Soften their hearts. Let them know and see You for Who You Are. Please, Father.

Let it be.

an ember that won't go out

2011-11-14T16:00:00.001-05:00

I sit still and I pray.
I pray for those whom I do not yet know --
my family all across the world who suffer for the sake of the Gospel.

Usually, that's it. I pray. I get up. I leave. I go on with my day.

This morning, it's different.
The prayer is closer -- is deeper --
and somewhere deep within my soul, I feel a restless flame burning --
a familiar flicker from long ago --
an effervescent, evading ember.

This is a restlessness which tells me to
get up
and go -
to get out
and do.

This is a restlessness which makes me uncomfortable

because I know exactly what it means.

Deep inside me, I feel my core mourning. It calls out.
It says, "This is not enough, Rachel."

And I am reminded of the times before I have heard my core calling out in this way,
and I think again that maybe I am not meant to stay here.
There is still an impetus to go.

When I pray for that family -- the family yet unknown by me but thoroughly known by God -- my heart aches. I visualize my own small family with them -- being there in a very real way.

God, what does this stirring mean? Each time it happens, I tuck it away --
mainly because you have asked us to stay. But it comes back again and again.

The stirring won't still itself.
The ember won't fade.
Something remains lit.
And I wonder if maybe something else is on the way --
that someday, You will ask us to go.

When, Lord?
And where?

And please - please make our hearts ready.

living it makes all the difference

2011-11-11T10:38:00.000-05:00

I remember you.

You were different.
You lived it.

And I thought -- if there is a living, breathing God out there, then surely you know Him.

I looked at your life, and that's what changed my mind --
that's what halted my journey --
a haphazard journey of other religions and texts and philosophies and self.
I looked at your life,

and I took the leap

at least, an initial leap --
a declaring of my decision to follow Christ as Savior --
still amidst some lingering doubts,
but holding on to a promise,
a hope,
a trusting that maybe
this. was. It.

It wasn't until years later when He took hold of my life
as LORD of my life
that I understood the transformation of Life
that you were transfixed under.

But I just wanted to say: thank you.
Thank you for living the life -- the straight and narrow path --
thank you for living with authenticity, and letting God work through you.

Because it has made all the difference.

sitting down by the well

2011-11-10T05:00:00.000-05:00

"Jacob's well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well."

John 4:6

Sometimes, I am tired from the journey.

Yet there are not many voices in this world telling me it's okay to be tired.

The voices -- both internal and external ones -- tell me to keep going -

to add more things to my plate -

to make that one more phone call -

to do that one more thing before laying down at night -

that I am nothing if I am not productive.

But sometimes, I am just tired.

Yet there are not many minds that understand that it's normal to be tired.

The minds of many -- my own, and those of others -- believe with all their might

that only the weak sit down -

that I'm giving in if I give up a little -

that I need to be like that person or this person or -

like someone else who is doing a little (or a lot) bit more than me.

But listen -- I am tired.

Yet there are not many ears that hear that it's me who is breaking under the weight.

The ears of many hear me but do not hear me, if you know what I mean.

Instead, they see me as a project to better, to build up -

to encourage to commit to another service, another ministry -

because that's what I need - that's what will make me feel better -

something else to give all my energy towards, because it is a sin to be alone,

or (in other words) to be an introvert.

...to regain energy from being alone...

...from being still...

To all those who are tired:

sometimes, I am tired too.

And you know what?

Sometimes Jesus was tired.

And He sat by a well.

To drink - to be nourished - to regain His strength.

So when I am tired, I will sit with Him at the well.

To drink - to be nourished - to regain some strength.

And I welcome you to do the same.

Because it is not Jesus who told us to keep busy - to keep adding things to our schedules - to gauge our worth in comparison to the productivity of others -

No. This is what Jesus said:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden,

and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

Waste Not Wednesday: Never Buy Tupperware Again!

2011-11-09T05:00:00.004-05:00

In case you hadn't heard, we recently moved. Um, twice.

Because we've lived in community before now, we've never really had a need for our own tupperware.

But then we moved, and we had these mismatched tupperware items:

(Yup, that's right. We only had about THREE items.)

Part of our weekly grocery budget is working in leftovers, so we actually need a bit of tupperware. Also, there are many nights Elliott is out late on campus, or I'm at school, and we need travel dinners.

But I refused to buy tupperware.

Instead, tupperware came to us!

Right after we moved, someone got us take out (yum!), and we saved the containers...

...we also save every single jar we come into contact with...

...as well as our yogurt containers!...

So now, we have a nice little collection of assorted tupperware containers, for all our leftover needs (and we didn't buy a single one)!

What do you use for tupperware?

(While you're being resourceful saving random containers to re-use, don't forget to re-wash those plastic ziplock bags!)

*Check out more green resources weekly HERE*

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crying-it-out confessions, part one

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I choose worship over wallowing

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an ember that won't go out

living it makes all the difference

sitting down by the well

Waste Not Wednesday: Never Buy Tupperware Again!